Steve Martin - Grandmother's Song lyrics

Be courteous, kind and forgiving
Be gentle and peaceful each day
Be warm and human and grateful
And have a good thing to say

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike
Be witty and happy and wise
Be honest and love all your neighbors
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional
Put a live chicken in your underwear
Get all excited and go to a yawning festival

(Ok, everybody)
Be courteous, kind and forgiving
Be gentle and peaceful each day
Be warm and human and grateful
And have a good thing to say

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike
Be witty and happy and wise
Be honest and love all your neighbors
Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus
Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent
Criticize things you don't know about
Be oblong and have your knees removed

(Ladies only, please,)
Be tasteless, rude, and offensive
(Now the men)
Live in a swamp and be three dimensional
(Everybody)
Put a live chicken in your underwear
Go into a closet and suck eggs

You guys are gonna be on a record
Maybe, someday, not mine of course