MC Lars - Certified lyrics

I spot an active drowning victim
From a mile away
I save old men in seas like Hemmingway
The swimming pool not taken?
Watch out for Frost
Don't get busted like Milton
Or Paradise will be lost
It's like that, and that's the way it is
Don't Run, DMC, walk like the other kids
And if you get in trouble
I use a contact dive
I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive
If you're submerged, I'll dive feet first
And bring you to a backboard
Never to a hearse
Because DOA victims are for amateurs
I do it my safe way, you do it yours
Like Raley's or Lucky's or Albertson's
Did the victim hurt his neck? I'm going in
I support your chin, airway and spine
With my head-splint technique


Everything is fine
My EAP is CPR after those rescue breaths
Then I'll check your airway
For respiratory arrest
Then it's sweep, ventilation
And abdominal thrusts
I get the pool toy out I can, will, and must
Prepared for emergencies I've got
My life together
And understand my job keeps you
Alive like Eddie Vedder
If you're a stressed-out mom who
Keeps her children fettered
Your kids are safe today, see
No lifeguard is better
Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
Than your average lifeguard as
A water babysitter
Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym
And I'm slamming into swim safety
Not a Slim Jim

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D

And when I act it's with informed consent
If you won't cooperate, I circumvent
And call the cops, best recognize
It's not wise to distract me as I scrutinize
The pool, it's called scanning
Best take a hint
And shut your mouth you don't matter
Like lint larry Flint might argue that
Your voice means something
But, I be like Bush and say
For safety it means nothing
I'm disciplined and talented at what I do
And hope to say the same
For my lifeguard crew
Because unlike the Insane Clown Posse
We practice our skills repeatedly
And don't cash in on tentative integrity
Or fire dope producers for more money
Wait, what
Where was I? I guess I got side tracked
Dissing Detroit high school drop-outs with
New albums that are whack back on track
Here's the point: I'm safe like "what!"
Making sure the chemical room
Door's always shut
See that gardener's dirty trowel? Well
I don't i'm too busy making sure
Your kids stay afloat
And see that dude who kind
Of looks like Shrek
But imported like badly dubbed
French Star Trek?
Nope, I double check the bubble
Trek from your kid's lungs
The shovel speck or smuggled
Shrek distract no one
Like me I don't notice, no, just your kids
But did I see that kid run? Oh, yes I did!
Peripherally, so I'm a lay the smack down
And turn their smiles into
One collective frown
"Hey kids, stop running! You know the rule!"
Yes I'm a tool from lifeguard school
But safety is cool here at the pool
And trust me on the sunscreen
Don't be a fool

Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea
I keep both eyes on your progeny
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3
Because I'm C-E-R T-IF-IE-D