Baba Brinkman - Pardoner lyrics

Greed is the root of all evil

In the days… before violence was senseless
And counterproductive
There were three young friends
Who were not to be fucked with
Inner city thugs, what? Rough riders!
Vancouver-after-losing-the-Stanley-Cup rioters
Thriving on chaos, anarchistic
Hedonistic, auto-cannibalistic
Like a wolf lickin’ a blade stuck in the ice
Thinkin’ it’s gettin’ a taste
Life blood slippin’ away
I’m talkin’ Bad Boys
Throwin’ dice in the ghetto
Drinkin’ liquor like it was a
Sacrifice to the devil
Dancin’, gamblin’, gettin’ money illegally
Through nothin’ but extortion and thievery
I mean, these guys were bad-asses women
Would bat lashes
At ‘em, but mostly only for cash transactions
Yeah, that happens you can hate it or love it
But, if you hate it then you’re
Probably not acquainted with thuggin’
I’m not sayin’ it’s right I’m
Just sayin’ it’s real
If you’re chasin’ a thrill
It’s probably makin’ you feel
Good, like takin’ a pill
And these guys were thrill-seekin’
Just three friends gettin’ ill every weekend
Now I know what you’re
Thinking! Typical gangster rappers
But these guys were Belgians
From medieval Flanders
Think Boyz in the Hood
Think Menace to Society
Just, from the Middle Ages
Of the Flemish variety
That’s a human universal
Groups of aggressive men
We get it from Adam and Eve
From original sin
That’s why people have these appetites
And that’s why Christ had to be sacrificed
Because of Adam’s apple bites
Tragic, right? Jesus’ body torn to pieces
Just ‘cause Adam and Eve were so naughty
Kanye: Jesus walks with me!

But too much preaching will
Leave you actively snoring
So I’ll keep things moving and we’ll
Go back to the story
It starts at a tavern one morning
Where those three thugs
Were still havin’ a stab at a party
Three sheets drunk i mean
Decent people were workin’ they’re
Still out drinkin’
Outside they heard the sound of
A church bell ringing
And saw a hearse bringin’ a
Fresh corpse for a funeral
The bartender saw it too
And that’s when the news broke
"It’s someone you know!" The
Bartender told them
"It must have been a bad batch
Of somethin’ someone sold him
‘Cause yesterday he was here, just like
Havin’ a beer
And death took him while he sat in his chair
Fuckin’ weird!
I guess death is the only unbeatable enemy
So we all better be ready
To meet him eventually"
The main thug took a swill of a bottle
Full of bravado
And went all Robert Rodriguez, Desperado
Like, "That’s disrespect! I’m sick of death!
You rock a bulletproof vest, shit
He’ll get you for cigarettes!
I’m frickin’ vexed! You say
I’ll never defeat him?
I say let’s go find him – fuck
It – I’m ready to meet him!
The violence in me
Reflect the violence that surrounds me
So I say if death wants beef, he found beef!"

Biggie: I’d rather go toe to
Toe with all of y’all
Runnin’ ain’t in my protocol
I guess he thought "death" was a person
Silly thug people get some funny ideas
When they’re really drunk
The other two guys were like
"An eye for an eye
We in this together, son, your beef is mine!"
And that was it, three drunk angry men
Stumbled out the door
Lookin’ to capture death
But they didn’t get far they met
This old guy in the forest
Who looked like he was reppin’ the
Dark side of the force on the death star
I mean bags under his bloodshot eyes
Like Charlie Sheen after hittin’
The meth hard
Cracked skin like leather, frail and decrepit
His whole body wrapped in dirty
Rags like a leper
The old man waved and said, "Hey
What’s the word?
You guys look kinda lost – can
I help you get somewhere?"
The main thug answered back
Like: "Don’t touch me!
You’re covered in crusty
Scabs! It’s disgusting!
I think you’d better tell us
How you’re even still alive"
And the old man replied "Hey
I’m ready to die
I’ve been knockin’ on heaven’s door
Since I was seventy-five
I guess death just isn’t ready
To let me inside!"
That’s when the second thug stepped
In like "Shut up!
Death is your friend and you’re tryin’
To protect him from us!
I can smell a set-up, so tell us where he is!
Either you’re with us or
You’re with the terrorist!"
The old man laughed
Like: "What? You’re lookin’ for death?
Heh heh, well then that’s what you’ll get
Death is right over there, really, go see
I just left him like two minutes ago
Under that oak tree"
The thugs ran full speed
And when they arrive
At the tree, they just stared
With bulging eyes
Death wasn’t there, just a bag full of money
Stacks of fifties and hundreds
And handfuls of twenties
Suddenly lookin’ for death was forgotten
The main thug started schemin’ and
Plottin’ and slick talkin’
He said, "Listen, I’m a clever man
Aight? I hatch plots and I can tell you
This much money attracts cops
We need to get it back to a stash spot
You feelin’ me?
But transporting this, by day? Liability!
So let’s do this right y’all
– we wait for nightfall
And then we bring it home
And split it up with the lights off
After that we can spend it
But for now we just chill
So we need some booze
Right? We got hours to kill
Let’s draw straws, two of us can stand guard
And we’ll send the third man off to
Get a bottle of cab sauv!"
The plan sounded damn suave, the youngest
Pulled the bad straw and ran off
And as soon as he was gone
The main thug went on, like: "Aight
Listen up i’m about to get you paid
– what would you say
If I told you we could split this up two ways
Are you game?" The second thug said "Okay
But hold up, wait what about our friend?
What are we supposed to tell
Him? Know what I’m sayin’?"
"We don’t say nothin, ’" said the first
"we play rough and
Straight rush him and stick a knife in
His side – I ain’t bluffin’
If we can bring him down
And then we’ll be kingpins
And never have to think about income again"
The second thug shrugged
Like: "An eye for an eye
We in this together, son, your beef is mine"
While in the meantime
The youngest was walkin’ back
Thinkin’ "God damn, I want all that cash
If I split it with those chumps
All I get is a third of it
Nah, I’m gonna murder those
Two fuckin’ invertebrates
This isn’t a game this is a blood sport!"
So first he hit the liquor store
Then he hit the drugstore
And told the pharmacist
"I got some rats in my basement
I need some poison so I can
Set some traps and waste ‘em!"
And pretty soon
He was walking back to the money tree
With three bottles of wine
Two poisoned and one clean

And what happened next? Exactly what I said
His two back-stabbing friends stabbed
Him to death
Without a shred of remorse the main thug said
"Ay yo, let’s have a quick drink before we
Get rid of the corpse!"
And he grabbed a bottle
And he took a long swallow
And he passed it over to
The second thug to follow
And it was all over
They went from boastin’ and braggin’
To drinkin’ rat poison cocktails
Chokin’ and gaggin’
And no one was left standing – they all died
Triple homicide, like a Biggie Smalls rhyme
Three friends, lookin’ for death, headstrong
Murder one another for cash, dead wrong
Get rich or die trying – ask 50, he knows
Like several different plot-lines
Of Quentin Tarantino’s
Get the c notes, the G’s, yo, the Benjamins
That street ethos you get
From medieval Belgians
See, people don’t change
You’re all corrupted
Fallen, that’s why y’all
Need spiritual sustenance
Guidance, you know, like the kind I provide
A ticket to heaven for $995
You like sex and violence? Just buy my record
It provides the whole essence
Of the bible’s message
Just like Kanye West, Jesus Walks with him
That’s a multi-platinum gangster
Gospel record! See, you feed your soul and
Your bank balance replenishes
So open your wallets up
For heaven’s representatives!
That’s why I wrote this rap
To help you get your soul back
In return for cold cash, so don’t hold back
Don’t even hold back one cent
That’s the only way to avoid becoming
Part of the "one percent"
Look, I know you’re lost
And all you want is redemption
Well you can have it, for a small cost
By accepting a pardoner’s blessing

So step forward
Money ready, and accept the blessing
God told me it’s my destiny to be rich
Just like pastor Rick Warren
Or like Deepak Chopra
Or like that chick who wrote The Secret
Look, you’re takin’ a risk either way
Either you risk a few dollars
Or you risk your soul
You can’t afford to risk your soul
Just ask Pascal so hand your money over
To me