Kunt And The Gang - Christmas Clearout (Yuletide Log) lyrics

Last Christmas day, I tucked some food away
I woke up with a selection box
So I had a Milky Way the I had me breakfast
Scrambled eggs on toast
And opened all me presents up
And what I fancied most
Was a box of Lindt chocolates
Made by master chocolatiers
By then it was nearly lunchtime
And time for a few beers
So I sunk a couple up the pub
And the odd dry roasted nut
And staggered home for me dinner
When the pub was shut

I had turkey and all the trimmings
Roast spuds and peas yorkshire puds
Swede and carrot mash and broccoli
Sausage stuffing
Cauliflower and brussel sprouts of course
All topped off with gravy and
A blob of cranberry sauce
Then I had me Christmas pud and
A couple of mince pies
And when me dinner had gone down
A bag of Scampi Fries
I wound back some Celebrations as I
Sat there in my seat
By then it was time for tea
Mashed pickle and cold meat

But I didn’t feel complete
I fancied something sweet
So I ate some Quality Street
Until I was quite replete
Followed by a cheeseboard
And some crackers on a plate
I couldn’t eat another thing my
Guts were in a state

I need a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I just can’t wait till I
Am sitting on the bog
I’ve got a turd right on the
Edge that I need to emit
Because my belly is distended and my
Farts all smell of shite

So I dashed to the toilet cos
I couldn’t help the urge
I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed and
Squeezed but nothing would emerge
It seemed I had a blockage in my anal pipe
So I left the bog
After giving a cautionary wipe
By boxing day my stomach
Was embarrassingly swollen
From all the Christmas food and
Turds wedged up my colon
I wanted to spend the day
Just sitting on the pan
But I had to attend a family
Dinner at my girlfriend’s nan’s

When I got there the whole family
Was sat in the conservatory
My arse was foremost in my mind
I was in faecal purgatory
I tried to do polite hellos
While sweating with a frown
But my turd was like the Duke of York
It was neither up nor down
I sat between her mum and aunt
And tried to clench my cheeks
While her nan served up the soup
Made of spuds and leeks
As soon as I had a mouthful though
I was in no doubt
I was like a nightclub filled
To capacity – one in, one out

I quickly excused myself from
The dinner table
I got up and lurched out the room
Feeling quite unstable
I legged it up to the bog
As fast as I was able
Dilated to ten centimetres
I laid a massive cable

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
If it had legs and a tail
It could be a sausage dog
I smacked it and stabbed at
It with the toilet brush
It’s like it was made of concrete though
It just wouldn’t turn to mush

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I flushed and flushed and flushed but
It wouldn’t go down the bog
It just kept staring up at me
Like a big brown trout
So I got some bog roll on my
Hand and fished the fucker out

I thought
‘What am I gonna do with this massive poo?
So I opened up the window and
Threw the cursed number two

It was a Christmas clearout, a yuletide log
I lobbed it in the garden cos
It wouldn’t go down the bog
When I checked to see where it landed
I swear this is the truth
The whole family were looking up gagging at
My turd on the conservatory roof