Kunt And The Gang - Jesus (Baby With A Beard) lyrics

Over two thousand years ago when
Dinosaurs ruled the land
A baby with a beard was born
And that baby became a man
And that man who was born on Christmas
Day he seemed to have a plan
He said I’m going to start a
Religion off and call it Christian…ity

And two thousand years later I
Went and wrote this song
Using words and melody to tell
You what went on

God came down from the sky with a little
Drop of pre-cum in his Jap’s eye
(His Jap’s eye, His Jap’s eye
A little drop of pre-cum in
His holy Jap’s eye)

He said, "I need to find a lady
She can’t be a munter or
A total rotten slag or a filthy fucking whore
I need a virgin lady and she’s got to be pure
With a sausage wallet that has
Not been used before

So Joseph, Joseph, will you give me your word
You haven’t doinked her, Joseph, come on
Give us a go of your bird"

Joseph said, "Mary’s pure, she is a virgin
I’ve never got my nob beyond
Those outside flaps of skin
It’s not for want of trying though
Much to my chagrin
She let me buff it round the edges
But I’ve never stuck it in

So go on God, give her one from me
Pump her full of Jesus juice and make a baby
The holiest baby in history
J-e-s-u-s-c-h-r-is t

Oh Jesus, Jesus he’s a baby with a beard
Jesus, J-J-J-Jesus
Out of Mary’s sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seemed so clear to me
The most Christmassy baby in history
Was a baby with a beard and it was Jesus

But what if Jesus Christ as born here today
In the modern day, on a Christmas day
I’m sure that he would say
"Take those poxy gifts away
Back on Santa’s sleigh
Cos they are proper gay

Cos I don’t want gold, frankincense or myrrh
They’re a bag of wank, I would much prefer
An iPhone 4s, a 3D TV
And Call Of Duty - Modern Warfare 3

Cos he’s Jesus, Jesus
He’s a baby with a beard jesus, J-J-J-Jesus
Out of Mary’s sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seemed so clear to me
The hirsutiest baby in history
Was a baby with a beard and it was Jesus

But if it was me got a bird up the duff
By unconsensually shagging her muff
It wouldn’t be a saviour, it would be
A bastard rape baby son of a Kunt