Kunt And The Gang - Karen's Got Talent lyrics

CRAIG: Make us a fookin brew
Will you? Kettle's just boiled

KAREN: Aye, i’m gonna sit down with a
Cuppa and watch Jeremy
D'you want a Viscount with it?

CRAIG: Aye

KAREN: Orange or mint?

CRAIG: (PAUSE) Orange…er…no, mint…no, orange…oh fook it
Can I have one of each?

KAREN: Fookin ‘ell
He's a man who knows what he wants!

CRAIG: Fook off and stick an extra
Spoonful of sugar in me tea, it
Always tastes like there’s no fookin
Sugar in it after you've had a choccy biccie

KAREN: Owt else me lord? D'you want
Your tea served up in a
China cup and saucer? Or maybe
Sir wants his biscuit's on
A little silver plate with a
Fookin doyley on it?

CRAIG: To be honest
In this house I'd be grateful
For a cuppa that
Doesn't taste like it's been sieved
Through the gusset of your shreddies

KAREN: Keep that up you fishy fook
And I'll chuck this tea straight
Over your cod and pollocks

CRAIG: Ta

KAREN: Look at that for timing

KAREN: I fookin love Jeremy Kyle (PAUSE)
How good would it be to be on Jeremy Kyle?
(PAUSE) i should've gone on there and done
The DNA test when I
Didn’t know who Shannon’s dad
Were it would've been
Brilliant there’d have been Leon
And that other bloke
What was his fuckin name? The one
With a hare lip and
BO who worked up the chippy oh
I dunno they'd have been sat there shitting
Themselves with Jeremy
Going (ADOPTS JEREMY'S ANGRY MOCKNEY aCCENT)
"One of you two's gonna have to
Step up to the plate and
Be a dad to this kid anyone can
Be a sperm donor but it
Takes a real man to be a dad"
I’d fookin love to be on there i'd
Get Michelle to give us a
Makeover and do me hair i'd look fookin lush
Don't you reckon?

CRAIG: …Mmm

KAREN: I'd get a new pair of
Reeboks and everything i can just see me
With tears running down me cheeks going
"Jeremy, they took advantage of me
When I were drunk i
Feel so used they just fooked
Me and fooked off" Then
I'd tell him I were bipolar or
Something so he didn't have a
Go at me he'd turn round and go to them
(ADOPTS jeremy's angry mockney accent again)
"You should've kept it in your
Trousers mate either that or
Put something on the end of it"
I can imagine it now
Everyone on the estate going
‘Karen, I saw you on Jeremy Kyle
You looked lush' 9
I'd probably have to sign autographs
In the post office
Queue while I were picking up the benefit's
Wouldn't I?

CRAIG: …Mmm

KAREN: I'd fookin love to be famous
Can you imagine? Going on
GMTV and meeting Ben Shephard
On This Morning with
Eamon Holmes asking us questions
About stuff it'd be
Fookin brilliant when that cunt
From Social Services
Comes round to check we're not
Stubbing out tabs on the
Kids I'd just open the letter box
And go, "Fook off mate, i
Can't have you in today
I'm too fuckin famous" And you'd
Get loads of free stuff, you
Know clothes and stuff, cos
You're famous and everyone wants
To have their stuff
Associated with you i'd have me own perfume

CRAIG: yeah… Karen Matthews' ‘Snatch'

KAREN: And you'd go down the pub
And everyone would want to
Buy you a drink it be
Fookin great you could get
Leathered every night and it wouldn't
Cost you a fookin
Bean cos everyone would just
Want you sat there, telling
Anecdotes about all the celebrities
You've met jordan
Peter Andre chantelle davina john
Leslie it'd be fookin fantastic

CRAIG: Give it a fookin rest will
Yer no-one round here's gonna
Be famous, Karen, least of all you

KAREN: What do you fookin know? I might be

CRAIG: No you fookin won't! What are
You gonna be famous for?
You can't fookin do anything

KAREN: Yes I fookin can

CRAIG: Well you can fanny fart but
I don't think that's gonna win
You Britain's Got Talent, do you?
Hello, my name's Karen (MAKES BIG RASPBERRY
SOUND) cut to Amanda Holden crying while
Piers Morgan tries to
Pick little croutons of fannybatter
Out her hair

KAREN: You can't stand me having
A dream can you?

CRAIG: I don't fookin care
You can dream all you like all's I'm
Saying is you're fookin wasting your
Time with all this
Celebrity bollocks it's not real life
Real life's not a fookin
TV studio with everyone sat round
Pretending to laugh at
Penny Smith's shitty jokes real life is that
Outside the window that fookin rusty pram
Frame in the garden
That's real life the exercise bike
Sticking out of that skip
That's real life that fookin dog
Turd with a fag butt
Stubbed out in it that's real life
Real life's not a bunch of
Fookin washed up ex-celebrities in
The middle of nowhere
Eating kangaroo cocks and being
Commentated on by Ant and Dec

KAREN: Well I had that reading at the
Fair that said I were gonna
Be famous so don't come crying to
Me when I make it and I'm drinking down the
Groucho Club with Alison
Moyet and Michael Barrymore and
You're still stuck here
With all the other cunts on the estate

CRAIG: Fookin bound to happen