The Boondocks - The Fundraiser lyrics

People call me The Fund raiser
They call me that 'cause that's what I do
I raise funds i get my money up
The first rule of fundraising is
Don't give nothing to nobody period
No charities, no homeless people, Salvation
Army, Red Cross, starving Africans, nothing

Hey, brother

You can't be raising funds and giving
Funds away at the same time
That's like getting high on your own supply
I always had the drive to make money
And the plan i knew that if I
Studied enough gangster movies
I'd know everything I need to know
To take over the streets

Jesus, boy look at you
All you do is lay around here and watch TV
And eat my food and breathe my air
Just as lazy as you can be
Go out and do something

What am I supposed to do?
I ain't got no money

Well, try getting up off your ass
And cleaning up my living room
You're lucky President Obama is not
Here to see this you're lazy
You need a hobby or something

Give me an allowance and I'll
Find a good hobby

Allowance? I allow you to live here
I allow you to eat my food
I allow you to burn up my electricity

I mean a money allowance

Well, how about this? Trash is
Starting to stink and
Guess what? You allowed to take it out

I was a loser i might as well have been dead

Hi, Riley

Yeah, whatever

Oh well, hello, little baby

Hey, Mr freeman
Would you like to buy some candy to help
Keep kids away from gangs and guns?

Heck, no i'm a fan of gangs and guns
I got some gangs and guns inside right now
You want some?

Ha ha mr freeman

I'd love some candy i'll take a whole box

Granddad

Shut the hell up mind your business

Thank you, Mr freeman

Okay, little baby be good, now

Hey, what you just sell my granddad?

Candy bars for the school fundraiser, silly
Aren't you doing it? The fundraiser

I had to think back 'cause I
Wasn't paying attention the first time

That's right, kids
It's time for World's Ultimate Chocolates
Annual candy sale fundraiser
I've got mine and I can't wait to
Get out there and sell, sell, sell

Then I remember why I forgot
The World's Ultimate Chocolates
Fundraiser is basically
Like selling crack on consignment
Except you don't even get no money
How they gonna disrespect the game like that?

If you raise $500, you can win a Hannah
Montana lenticular key ring
If you raise $1300 you'll receive
A Jonas Brothers toothbrush
And 5000 and you can have this
Beautiful Chronicles of Narnia iPod case
All right, who's ready to sell some candy?

Aw, man, you doing that?
You don't even get to keep none of the money

Yeah, but I've sold $4000 of candy so far
Which means I'm only $1000 away
From that iPod case

Damn and that's when it hit me
The best idea I ever had in my entire life

That's the worst idea you ever
Had in your entire life

You just mad you didn't think of it

You want to start a fundraiser with no cause?

Cause, nigga? I'm the cause
'Cause, I wanna a house
'Cause, I wanna a yacht
'Cause, I wanna get this guap, nigga
That's the cause

You watch a lot of gangster movies, right?

I seen all of them
That's how I know what to do

Okay, how many of them have a happy ending?

Yeah, yeah, yeah okay, but see, that's how I
Know it's gonna work, right?
'Cause, I seen all the mistakes they made
And I'm not gonna make them same mistakes
See, I'm gonna do everything the smart way

Riley
I'm gonna to tell you everything that's about
To happen if you do this
And how bad this is gonna end first of all

Aw, stop right there
Every time I wanna do something, you
Tell me what's gonna happen first
And then that's what happen
And you always ruin the endings of stuff, man
I'm sick of it
I wanna be surprised this time

So no matter how bad it is
You don't wanna hear it?

Nope

Cause it's really bad

Hey spoiler alert, nigga
Didn't you hear me? Keep it to yourself

Here good luck

Thanks that still kind of spoiled it, though

The second rule of fundraising is
That fundraising is not illegal
See, that's 'cause you not
Technically stealing from people
They give you the money
So maybe you lie about what
You gonna do with it
But, you never actually take
They money from 'em
And that's why it's legal

Jazmine and Phil were the top
Candy sellers in the class
If I was gonna take over the candy game
I'd need they help

Who are we raising the money for?

A good cause

What cause?

Uh, a bunch of causes all of them
Gangs, guns uh, all that good stuff

Something that helps animals?

Yeah, sure whatever
We'll keep gangs and guns away from animals

I I don't know
I still think the school would be really mad

Okay, I didn't wanna tell you this
World's Ultimate Chocolates they
Secretly funded by the Ku Klux Klan
And al Qaeda

What do you think?

"Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser" i like it
Sounds like, you know
Some of that positive bullshit
That people eat up

Since I came up with the idea
Jazmine and Phil had to provide the
Startup money for the business

This is our candy money, we
Need to get this back, riley

Why you guys so worried?

You're wearing a bulletproof vest

Cindy MacPhearson, aka C-Murder
She had the whole Girl Scout
Cookie game on lock

What up, Cindy?
I just seen this kid over there
Right over there around the corner over there
And I know she ain't down with your team

Who?

I don't know some skinny big headed bitch

Word? Come on

She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil
Cindy was a G

What you think you're doing here?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you open your bag
What's in your bag?

Ow

I'll kill you, bitch

Get her, Cindy

Come here come here

But what I really liked about her was that
She had less compassion than the average girl

Take off, bitch

Yeah, take off run away, baby

Hey, how's the cookie hustle?

It's cool you want a box?

Nah, I don't give
You get to keep any of that cookie money?

I wish i'll move up in the Girl Scout ranks
Get awards and whatnot but no cash

I got a business proposal for you
There's a lot of bars I need to move

You're not talking about that
Stupid school candy fundraiser
You know that's for suckers, right?

Do I looks like a sucker?
When you ready to make some real dough
Holler at me get it?
Dough, cookies?

We had everything we needed to
Look like a legit company
Website, labels, and lots and lots of candy

Sorry kids, tapped out
Someone just came through selling chocolate

Oh, I'm so sorry
I just bought some from little Timothy

Ugh, if I see another bar of
Chocolate I'm gonna be sick

Hey, boy how's the candy business?

Terrible we couldn't move nothing
The streets are flooded with chocolate
From the school fundraiser

Well, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you

Thanks, Granddad you wanna buy some candy?

Hell, no you must be out of your damn mind
Now, get that out of here

See, we need to make it
Where they ain't no competition
We need to move on them
Push them out street by street
Block by block
That's what Beanie Sigel would do

Why don't we just get the kids at school
To work for us instead of the school?

How?

We'll walk up to them and say, "Hey
" and they say "What?"
And then we say, "This is our block
Now, you gonna get down
Or you gonna lay down?"
And if they be like, "Uh Uh, I
Don't know, let me think about it, "
We pull out the roscoe and we be like:
And they be like, "Ugh, you shot me, "
And we be like, "Take that, faggots

"We could offer them a better deal
Like better prizes or something

That's not what Beans would do
Beans would go to war

Cindy's right beans would go to war
But war is bad for business
We'll do better than stupid prizes
Put the word out
You sell for us, we'll pay you cash

That brings us to the
Third rule of fundraising
You gotta pay the cost of doing business

Hey, Riley
Yeah? I heard that you're selling candy
For a different fundraising company
One that pays kids cash

Maybe why should I tell you?

Aw, come on, man
I've been busting my ass selling
Candy for months and
All I've gotten is this stupid key ring

It's called Young Reezy's Fun-Raisers, but I
Don't think it's for you, jeff
They only want hustlers
People who'll do anything to gets that
Sale and make that money
A lot of people can't
Handle that fast lifestyle

I swear I can handle it

When they called me to the office I
Already knew what it was for
By now they had figured out we had knocked
Off over half the students in the school

He's waiting for you

Nobody say nothing

Is it true that you're soliciting students
To work for a different
Competing fundraiser?
This, uh, Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser company?

They put the fun in fundraising

That is completely unacceptable
You will stop at once

I don't think so
We already have permission slips from
Half the school's parents
Saying that they'll sell candy
For us exclusively

I can't believe this shame on you

Shame on me? What, you better than me?
The state puts you in charge of these kids
And you turn around and pimp them out
To some second rate candy racket?
You disgust me

I'm curious, what's your cut?
How much does the school get?
How much is your soul worth?

Five percent

Five percent? Pfft
All right, fine i'll match that
Can we go now?

Uh, fair enough
J edgar Hoover Elementary likes to see it's
Students giving back to the community

I don't give to nobody
I just pay the cost to do business

Pussy

This is how the operation worked
Kids signed up to be sellers on our website
And they parents sent the money
To a PayPal account
We paid off store owners for they old candy
Once the candy was delivered to the seller
It was time for them to go sell
And, man, did they sell
They sold after school, on weekends
Day, night, rain, sleet, whatever
Parents were the best customers
The fundraiser kept their kids
Occupied and even
Had them making they own money
But it wasn't just about money
It was about winning
We had parents violating company policy just
To get they kids' numbers up
We had grown adults actually
Risking they jobs by
Trying to push bars on their co-workers
And it didn't cost me nothing
It was beautiful
Once they finally sold through that candy
They give us the cash
We give them they cut and
Another box of chocolate bars
And the whole thing starts all over again
We expanded into other neighborhoods
Other schools were happy to take
The same deal as Hoover soon, we had set up
Competitions between local schools
To see who could raise the most money
And no matter who won, we won

Hey, You can't do that
That money is for the animals

Come on, Jazmine
We allowed to spend some of it on ourselves
Call it operating expenses don't worry
They gonna be plenty of money
Left for the animals

Are you sure?

How's it going?

Fine great
Don't tell me nothing

All right
But you should know that Jazmine is going

La la la la! Not listening
I'm not listening

Watch out there, Goldilocks
All that chocolate can be bad for your health

Say what?

The operation needed more space
So we moved to a hotel downtown

And this is the Scarface Suite
They're just getting it cleaned up for you

This'll do perfect

Hey, boy you got a sec?
It's about your, uh, fundraising
Who exactly are you raising
All that money for? Because Huey said

I'm sorry to interrupt, Granddad
'cause I really wanna hear what
You have to say but, I got something I want
You to see right quick it's outside
Huey, you can come too

Aah! Is that a Gibbs Aquada?

Yeah, yeah the car that turns into a boat
And then back into a car

For me? Oh, I can't believe it
Thank you, boy
Oh, you're the best grandson ever
Way better than that other one

Uh, yeah
You wanted to talk to me about something?

Uh, nothing nothing, mm-mm
Never mind oh, I can't believe it
I'm gonna be just like James Bond now
James Bond, James Bond James Bond, hey

Riley, we got problems big problems

Whoa, whoa, whoa what's going on?

World's Ultimate Chocolates
They came by my office today they're mad
I mean, they're really mad

So, what? I'm supposed to be scared of a
Bunch of guys who make candy?

Well, they scared me i mean, I'm done, Riley
I'm I'm out

Well, I was tired of paying your
Punk ass to do nothing anyway

You see, uh, Tom all it takes is good
Solid grandparenting look at him
He's working hard, taking the initiative

Jazmine just bought me a flat screen
And this

Ooh, that's nice

I know but it just seems like they're making
An awful lot of money

Granddad, you have to try and stop
Riley before it's too late

At least Riley loves his granddaddy
Enough to buy him stuff
What have you ever bought me, huh?
You need to be more like your brother
And try to make the world
A better place for me

World's Ultimate Chocolates started
Playing rough the message was clear
They wanted us out
They intimidated our suppliers

Get out of here

The schools

Hey everybody

Hey! Fucking little shit

Well, almost everybody

Oh! Me fucking knackers!

Come here

Aah! Help! Let me go
No, no, no! Please, no

All right, we just gonna stay cool and
Keep doing what we doing

And just ignore all this?

Come on, man these guys ain't no gangstas
They make chocolate

One four-foot long slab of
Chocolate for Riley Freeman
Sign right here, nigga

Huh? Clear his mouth

Uh, help me get me out of here

Who did this?

They said they said they were
From World's Ultimate Chocolates
They wanted me to give you a message
That this was just the beginning
Oh, God, it was so scary

I wanna go home now

What?

Me too i quit too

Why, 'cause he got dipped in chocolate?
Big deal, he's a kid
That sounds like something most kids
Would want to have happen
Eat your way out of it, nigga, take a bath
Let's get back to getting this money

No way this is too weird

Granddad, you have to listen
Do not get into that car

It's a car-boat, thank you very much
Now get out the way no! No, that's my boat!

You wanna be in this business
You gotta pay the cost of doing business
And when the cost get too high
You get out of business
You always gotta spoil something, huh? Man
I was going to the hotel
To shut down the operation
But, I wasn't sure what I
Had started could be stopped huh?

Hey, look, here brother can you spare, uh
Some money for a starving African?
Hey, you never know when you
Might need some good karma, now

Don't give nothing to nobody
But, I ain't no fundraiser no more

Thank you so very much, brother
Unjambo, and good luck to you

Hope you don't mind we made some tea
Allow me to introduce myself
I'm the bloke you're stealing from
The name's Alister Rigby, but as far as
You're concerned I'm Willy Fucking Wonka
And you're taking a shit in
My fucking chocolate factory

Easy boss, don't get upset

When I have to go to the dentist, I'm upset
When Liverpool beats Arsenal, I'm upset
But when some little shit decides
To take over one
Of the most profitable territories
In the country, i'm beyond fucking upset
I'm very fucking upset
So from now on, you're under new management
You will work for me, and in return
You'll receive an allowance

Allowance?

Yes, allowance
As in, I'm allowing you to keep 10 percent
And I'm allowing you to keep
Drawing breath on this earth
Now, you either get down, or you lay down
What's it gonna be, sunshine?

This wasn't no movie
The smart thing was to say yes, get up
And leave the room
But then I thought to myself
What if this was a movie?

Look fuck you
Fuck the plane you flew in on
Fuck them shoes
Fuck those socks with the belt on it
Fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent
Fuck them cheap ass cigars
Fuck your yuck-mouth teeth
Fuck your hair-piece fuck your chocolate
Fuck Guy Ritchie fuck Prince William
Fuck the queen this is America
My president is black and my Lambo is blue
Nigga
Now, get the fuck out my hotel room and
If I see you in the street
I'm slapping the shit out of you

I think this one's spent too
Much time at the cinema
Teach this cheeky bastard a lesson

Nobody fucking move!

Aw Man, This is bad

What is this
A casting call for The Sopranos reunion?
Do me a favor, tell room service nobody here
Ordered the extra large
Wop with a side order of wops

Whoa!

Jesus Christ, I thought he'd never shut up
So you guys are probably wondering
Why we just kicked in
The door and shot your boss here in the face
Well, to be honest
It's tough times out there
Nobody's spending on nothing
No drugs, no whores, no gambling, nothing
Except, apparently, chocolate bars
So consider this a hostile takeover
We got a problem?

Absolutely not

No

Okay, have a nice day
Now get the fuck out of here

FBI! FBI! Drop your weapons!
Nobody move

Don't do something stupid
Don't make me do it
Oh, man, this is really bad
Whose side are you on? We paid you off
What are you doing here?
It's our chocolate, motherfucker

How much we got? What do you mean?
Don't play with me Jazmine, the money
How much money we got?

We don't have any money i donated it

You what?

I thought that's what I was supposed to do

You gave away the money?
Who told you to give away the money?

That was the point of a fundraiser

No! Why you do that?

You said it was for charity

You never give the money away oh, God
Who you give the money to?

Hello, PETA

Man, why you didn't tell me she
Was gonna give away the money?

So here I am back to being a nobody
A loser the thing people ask me most
Is would I do it again?

Hey, you kids still selling those
Chocolate bars for charity?