Xiu Xiu - Josie's Past lyrics

Diary December 14, 1986

I dreamed about BOB last night not
A real nice dream at all, a little sick
In my opinion because I have so much
Hatred for the way he spoiled me
Made me feel ugly and bad for wanting
Love or affection he ruined all of
My pride and self-esteem for
The longest time…I
Could only be pretty and sweet
Because pretty and sweet was easy…good grades
Even better no one wanted
Me…I wouldn’t even let on that
I knew what sex was

He did ruin me, didn’t he? I mean
In the dream he came to
The window at Leo’s and
Saw me it was a nastier scene in the
Dream than it was last night
In reality he kept
Showing this image of me again and again

And then he was standing by
The tree and he said
You wouldn’t have been able to do any
Of that if it weren’t for me

I told him he was wrong i told him I
Learned all that he saw when I was alone
So that I could do something
To make myself feel good
And be able to heal the wounds that he made
He said, "OH YEAH, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT LEO
To tie you up, maybe eat you that way
Make you a slave…i know you
Want it…just the way i taught you
LITTLE bitch i SAW YOU WITH
The wand, playing with yourself…you were
Thinking of bad boy leo
Not bobby little boy who weeps after he gets
FuckED BY A LITTLE SLUT LIKE YOU"

And I woke up ashamed horrified guilty
And I imagined him suddenly
Right before me at the edge of my bed

You forgot, laura, i know
Everything, see everything
Go anywhere i want…i could
Tell you more about
What you think are secrets than you could
Tell yourself! you let your guard down
Didn’t you
Let me have a nice vacation from that
Stench of yours…then you had to
Call me back… rancid little
Bitch! YOU’RE PRETTY
Mean to me sometimes when you write
Aren’t you! we’ll have to fix that
MAKE YOU LOVE ME LIKE
YOU USED TO i REMEMBER THAT
Soon you will too

And then he disappeared i need to do
Something that is right and good, tODAY!

Who in the fuck is he and why
Does he hate me so much?

I want to die
And to forget everything else i
Can’t take it anymore! I
Begin to feel good and then someone makes me
Feel that I’m dirty then someone
Kisses me just right
And I feel wanted and excited all over again

I need to know if what I’m doing
Is right i can’t let BOB
Be the one who taught me to
Wish to be tied up sometimes

I don’t ever want to be hurt i never have i
Only want to play the games where I have to
Say dirty things sometimes, not mean
Things like BOB thinks, and
If I am punished I am punished with sex
Not pain

BOB is not who puts these ideas in my head
I won’t let him be the one these are
My private thoughts i’m afraid
I’ll never make it in and out of another
Sexual experience, ever
Without being afraid he will come and
Tell everyone lies about me

If someone who loves me reads
This years from now, please, try not to hate
Me i only feel the way I
Feel i don’t hurt anyone else
And I don’t want to i try every
Day to be better and more
The way I think the world wants
To see a girl like me

But, I am Laura i am sad god
I’m sad again! Why! I miss laughter and a day
Where time is spent with my friends who don’t
Care what I think of late at night
They don’t hate me for sometimes
Dreaming late at night, with my hand
Buried between my legs, ashamed
And of how I wish that my other
Hand would simply pull the trigger

BOB, I forbid you to come to me ever again
In dreams or in reality you are
Not welcome! I HATE YOU

I feel so alone, Laura

Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats
And liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
If it sounds queer and funny to your ear
A little bit jumbled and jivey well then
"Mares eat oats and does eat oats
And little lambs eat ivy!"
Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats
And liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?