Pandora’s Box, Ellen Foley - The Want Ad lyrics

This is addressed to all the people
Who answered or may be
Thinking of answering the personal ad
I placed in Volume 2
Number 15 of this newspaper
Two weeks ago Friday

First: my apologies to the
Huge bartender with
The voice and the light hearted
Dark-skinned advertising man if either of
You had called me
Back, I might not be writing
This retraction of my ad, even
Though I will soon be too busy to date much
But why didn't you call back?

But to the others
Which include the two terrifying sisters
The under-18s and the over-60s
The numerous ones
Who dialed my number and hung up
As soon as I said "hello"
The thirty-five or forty of you who
Made dates with me and never showed up
Including the one who complained his body
Was so powerful he couldn't
Control it anymore, the desperate
Wife-seekers, the already married
The one who was so one-sided
That he could think of nothing but sex
And then have the gall to ask me if his
Nationality was the reason I
Wouldn't sleep with him!

The many who couldn't get it up
When I was agreeable and
The many who could and did when I was not
The pleasant young foreigner who turned
Out to be the
Private property of his gigantic girlfriend
The ones
Who were so grotesque in their appearance
That
I couldn't possibly get past their faces to
Even consider a relationship with them
Especially sexual!

The sharks, and the geeks, and the sadists
The latter category which I had
Specifically stated I didn't
Want! And the ones who
Wanted endlessly dirty talk
The ones who wanted to be punished
The ones who could only boast about
The size of their bank-rolls and
Or their equipment
And this definitely includes the
Teacher who said:
"All the kids want my stuff!" The
Businessman who had an adjective
For every letter of
His last name: "R is for Rich", the ones
(and there were many) who said: "my
Name is so and so
And so how far do you go?"
The 300-pound lady judge who
Screamed abuse at me
The transvestite who wanted me
To support him
The numerous young studs who had nothing to
Offer besides the negative results of their
Goddamn blood tests! The diminutive actor
And the other short ones
The astronomer who cried like
A baby and said he had been betrayed
By every star he ever knew
The fanatic priest who wanted me to confess
To things I'd never even dreamed of!

The worn-out soldiers, the burned-out poets
The pumped-up jocks and the used-up kids
The racists! Including the one at
Whose place I left my white sweater
And I'd rather cut off my right thumb than go
Back for it! The drunks, junkies
Crack- and coke heads
The multitude of liars and especially the
Nice ones who never called back!

To all of you I say
Just forget my phone number!
I don't need all the hassles!

I'll be starting school next month
And I just don't
Want to be bothered don't hold your breath
Any of you

Sincerely, the underweight platinum blonde
Have a nice day