Lemon Demon - Every Time You Stifle a Sneeze lyrics

Every time you stifle a sneeze
The force of the sneeze
Cannot simply disappear from existence
It must manifest elsewhere
Often causing a small creature
To explode or a
Chef's hat to fly off into the air

La toque blanche the chef's hat why is
It shaped like a mushroom cloud?
Because they both sure can cook and
Why is a mushroom cloud shaped
Like a mushroom? Not many people know
This, but out in the forest, right
Where every mushroom grows, there used to
Be a tiny Japanese city
So tiny that even David the
Gnome could commit accidental
Genocide just by taking a
Poop without looking

Ironically, Gnome Poop is highly
Sought after in Japan
Because of it's mystical
Properties and because
It tastes good on sushi, for people who
Can't handle wasabi here in America
Gnome Poop's mystique is
Somewhat overshadowed by
That of Unicorn Seed! the
Hip new soda pop that all
The kids are guzzling
On the street corners it's popularity has
Been hugely fostered by product placement
In popular films for instance, in
The film "Muscular Hooker 2", will Smith's
Character takes a dramatically-framed
Swig of Unicorn
Seed! and then suddenly grows a
CGI erection which extends into infinity, and
Then Will Smith's mind explodes
And the movie ends

For that scene alone
Roger Ebert gives the film 3
And a half stars not many people know this
But movie critics have a
Finite amount of stars
They can award in their lifetime they
Are often kept in a vault, heavily secured to
Prevent a senile Scrooge McDuck
From wandering in
Mistaking the stars for gold coins
And swimming in
Them this is for Scrooge's own protection
As the stars have sharp
Edges and would lacerate
His body into a bloody feathered pulp

If this were to happen
His will states that the entire McDuck
Fortune will go to his grandnephews
Huey, Dewey, and Louie
And that his nephew Donald will get zilch
Because nobody understands what the Christ he
Is saying anyway so who
Cares as for Scrooge McDuck's body, it
Will be jerked and eaten
As per Scottish tradition

Indeed, cannibalism of the dead is
A cherished custom in Scotland
When a Scottish boy's coming
Of age is celebrated
(a ceremony known as the Scot Mitzvah)
He is forced to consume
His own great-grandfather, bones and all
In just 24 hours
Or else the local Shaman will hit
Him on the head with
A magical stick that stops him
From ever becoming an adult
Now, you might think that eternal childhood
Wouldn't be such a bad thing
Never-Never-Land and all that jazz
But no! Once your parents are dead
There's nothing
To stop you from eating nothing but sweets
As children are won't to do and when
Your baby teeth have rotted away
There will be no adult teeth to take
Their place toothless, stupid
And unkissed by the spirit's of puberty
You will be banished from Scotland to the
Only place in this world where an
Awkward man child such as yourself can
Ever hope to be accepted Ireland

You will live as a leprechaun you
Will don a false beard and
A green bowler and stand on
The streets jabbering about a
Nonexistent pot of gold when darkness falls
You will sleep in an alley on a bed of night
Soil, clutching a potato, which
Will be your surrogate mother if you
Are found by leprechaun poachers
Your only hope for escape is to
Mesmerize them with a sprightly
Leprechaun jig, and then stab their eyes out
With your leprechaun stiletto
Then you must run away to
Find another Irish hamlet
And the cycle will repeat forever
Until one of three things
Happens: 1 the poachers get too smart for you
2 you starve to death 3 the stifled sneeze of
A distant someone causes you
To explode and die