Madness - Visit to Dracstein Castle lyrics

Hi, an invite to Christmas
At Count Dracstein's somewhere in Germany
In a bucket, he he he

Hold up! Shine the lamp in the air
- Count Dracstein's Castle
Dissss issss assss far as I can go!
See de tramp here asleep on de bench?
Yes! Oh, what a stink!

The castle is just beyond heem
There are some thingssss about the casssstle
Yes, yes? Some people dare not mention!
Like what? I dare not mention!
Ha ha ha

Ding dong!
Hello, we're from the megaband Madness
Oh, I see, you must have the wrong wing
Try further up, yes?

Ding dong! Oh, you must be the Madness
No, we're exhausted! Ha ha ha

Bellboys come take their luggage into
Their rooms and kill 'em
Oi! Rest your feet now and
Take off those heavy boots
No thanks I'd rather not
Get em' off you little rat!
Off with the boots! Off with the boots!
Pooooooooooo!! Jesus wept! Put 'em back on!

What is the meaning of this outrage?
Who are these people? What are
You doing in my house?
I want you to leave this instant
Where did all these people come from?
I don't wish to see anyone anymore
Go immediately or I shall call the guards!
What is the meaning of this?
Where did all these people come from?
Get out of my bloody house immediately!

My dear guests here is the
Lady Baron Von Robinstein
You can say that again! Baron Von Robinstein
You can say that again! Baron Von Robinstein
You can say that again!
Baron Von Robinsteinbut alas! Macbeth!

Attention! Madam Varicose Vein
Butler! Bring me a lemon tea!
Have you no offered our guests a drink? Noer
Then do so! Yes madam

No doubt I've already been told
I am Madam Varicose Vein
But for short you may call me Vu
If you desire, if you so desire
Ahhiya VB babe, my name is er Billy
Bedds, if you call me lover
I'll pull your wig off hi, I'm Chris
Suggs hello, I'm Chris
And if you can reach a high
'F' you can treat me nice
Hi, I am Chris, you don't mess about with me
Spin on that!
Ooh yes, what a lovely young girl
Hello! My name's Kix, I try to be like Chris
If you don't want
An intelligent conversation
Come knock on my four-poster immediately!
How come you're not the intelligent one?
Because I wrote this!
Hi I'm Woods, I make the four-poster bed
Woody Woodpecker if you like
Hi I'm crazy Carlare you alright

Haven't you got any Bob Hope here?
Or Bob Marley
Madam, your lemon tea and hot toddies
Are here for the guests
Suggestive, digestives eh?
Eat, drink and be merry!
Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle
I've come over all giddywhat
Odd tasting toddy etc! Weird

Where on earth are we? Lee?
It looks to me like the basement of the
Old Stiff Recordsi just saw a rat really?
It coulda been, it coulda well been
Let's see what's behind that door
Let's take a look, yee ha!

What actually did this place used to be?
Torture chamber
Who's throwing the party then? Virgin silly
Where's the grub then?
Where is the record deck!
And sounds more to the point
Who may I askactually owns this place?
We were under the impression
It was Count Dracstein! And the girls?
He died over two hundred years ago
And the food? Where's the young ladies?!