Momus - A Complete History of Penis Envy, Sizes 24-29 lyrics

I'm jealous of the men whose penises
Are larger than my penises
And I'm jealous of the men whose penises are
So enormous they outstrip all average penises
I'm even jealous of the men whose
Penises are slightly smaller than mine
A complete history of penis envy, sizes 24-29

I'm jealous of the women
Whose slightly protuberant
Clitorises pass for penises bigger than mine
I'm jealous of the men
Who measure the penises
Of the men whose penises reach size 29
And my only consolation for
Penis envy would be
To write a bitter and twisted little song
Called 'A Complete History of Penis Envy
Sizes 24-29'

I once saw a man whose penis was so big
He had to wheel it around in a wheelbarrow
And I used to think it wasn't what you
Got but how you used it that mattered
But now I don't know
And if you see me one day muttering
Shabby and mad in the doorway with a
Paper bag round a bottle of wine
Just put it down to penis envy, sizes 24-29