Momus - Adam Green lyrics

If my name were Howard
I'd dress up in a cummerbund and fez
If my name were Howard
I'd puff all night on funny cigarettes

If my name were Howard
I'd be terrified of getting sucked
Buck naked down the drain into a damp
Dark world of flesh-eating spiders
If my name were Howard
I'd have thought of South Park
And be rich as Midas

But my name is Adam Green
I was born on Halloween
One more event I could not control or plan
What else can I do
But make my funny cartoons for you?

If my name were Adam
If you hit me with a hammer
I would try to practise passive resistance
But, it's a tricky business
If my name were Adam terrible phone fact # 3
You'd spend seven years of your life
Waiting for a call from me

If my name were Dorothy
I'd be a Baskerville or Parker
Surrounded by the barking of chihuahuas
If my name were Howard
My tattoo would be a working bar code
On the palm of my left hand
That I would slide across any
And all automated price checkers

But my name is Adam Green
I was born into a scene
Of dullish alpha males with willing consorts
What else can I do
But make my funny cartoons for you?

If my name were Howard

Puppy brains and jism
Two good reasons why you
Should never let aliens
Prepare your thanksgiving dinner
Puppy brains and jism
Please take a message Miss Brown
I've stapled my tie to my tongue
If my name were Ren Hoek
I would dress in bespoke for chihuahuas

But my name is Adam Green
I was born into a scene
Of gibbering roughneck apes
And liquorice allsorts what else can I do
But vent my spleen on wretches like you?

If my name were Franz I
Would giggle myself stupid
Enjoying my insomnia through the
Endless Prague nights
If my name were Franz I
Would wear such tight pants
That people would laugh when I spoke
In a funny high voice
I'd dress up in a cummerbund and fez
And my wellington boot would be
On the other foot
And my favourite cigarette would
Be a bergamot cheroot
My cut glass wit, refreshing and elegant
Would enliven every slightly jaded party
My remarks would be recorded in
Order by Miss Dorothy Parker