Momus - How Do You Find My Sister? lyrics

I am a servant, son of servants
I was born to serve
But, I know this place in life
Is less than I deserve
So I've become a trainer not
Of beasts or birds
But the beautiful sister I've raised
For this from birth

Lulu is a match girl and I her matchmaker
I've taught her all there is to know about
The games you can play with fire
Taught her to jump through a burning
Hoop in a rented diamond choker
And to balance on her nose the
Head of a Johannesburg broker

At cocktail hour in Mayfair
At an Isle of Dogs boat show
Lulu appears in her Dior dress
And me in my tuxedo
Lulu shuts up and shimmers while I
Make her name known to
Key members of the board
Of directors of Lonrho

So how do find my sister Mister?

Johnson was the first man to
Become my sister's customer
She met him at a dinner in honour
Of the brother of the Japanese ambassador
He stole the key to the satellite
Room and next to the computers
Telexes and fax machines made love to her

Her next conquest was Finlayson
Tory whip from Woking
His eyes were icy blue
He was impeccably well-spoken
He caught her with his daughter and
He got her under torture
To confess she'd taught her poker
And spanked them both until
His pants were soaking

So how do you find my sister, Minister?

Little by little, man by man
My sister has scaled the heap
She gets herself flushed out once a week
By a quack down Harley Street
I set the prices and balance the books
Sisters don't come cheap
It's a scandal what it costs these
Days to stop a press leak

My sister lives in Knightsbridge now and
When I go to visit her
I buzz three times on the
Intercom and say Lulu, it's your solicitor
I once walked in and caught her sitting
Naked on top of Henry Kissinger
Take my word or take this Polaroid picture

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Henry Kissinger!

They knighted the servant yesterday
Today you call me 'Sir'
You men who laid my sister I say to
You now what you once said to her:
(You're surprised to hear me talk this
Way but stranger things occur)
'Kneel before me, kiss it, call me 'Sir!''