Momus - The Penis Song lyrics

Buckminster Fuller
Inventor of the geodesic dome
Once gave a lecture he
Entitled 'everything I know'
Taking the title literally
He spoke four years or so
And I intend to do the same
So make yourself at home
(Pull up a chair, smoke a cigar or something)

Cynthia Plaster Caster once took my
Cast and showed me in a penis exhibition in
A gallery on Broadway
So many people saw my penis
In it's glass case
They recognise my penis now before my face

Subject for today: does knowledge
Elevate or demean us?
Everything you didn't want to
Know about my penis

A baker has a penis thing
For flattening the dough
But stick it in the oven and it rises up
Like so the man who chops the melons up
With a long and pointed knife
Has a penis with a mottled skin, I know
I asked his wife (Very curious)
A priest beneath his cassock has
A penis all the same
Some call the hypothalamus the
Penis of the brain
One man's sport is fly fishing, another's
Pocket billiards congratulations, Watson
On your almost-Freudian brilliance

The comedian from hell always thinks
He can entertain us
With everything we didn't want to
Know about his penis

Like the heather of the Highlands
Mine is tipped with flecks of purple
With a head as wise as Solomon
Although shaped like a turtle
It wears a flesh-tone roll-neck and the
Neck goes up and down
It comes out in the evenings and
On Friday paints the town
Obsessively, compulsively
It only wants one thing
To fill your chosen orifice with
Ropes of pearly string
Delivering it's message to your womb
Or to your tongue
And then going slack and flaccid when
It's pressing work is done

In witty conversation, by drip or intravenus
I drop everything you didn't want
To know about my penis

It's a very fine philosopher
Debating right and wrong
Shows promise as a songwriter
(it writes most of my songs)
Don't bury it in boxer shorts but
Wear it like a tie
Or avant garde jewellery hanging
From your fly (Very chic)
Jean Luc Godard once declared
To gales of mystified laughter
That some men wash their hands
Before they touch it, others after
And if you slot it carefully where
The sun will never shine
You'll feel what's mine becoming yours
What's yours becoming mine

Ladies and hermaphrodites
My tender hearted readers
Everything you didn't want to
Know about my penis

There was a bohemian monk
Who went to bed in a bunk
He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis
And woke up all covered in
Thought for the day: does abstinence
Dirty us or clean us?
Everything you didn't want to
Know about my penis
It's a tribute to the power
Of something otherwise mundane
That waving it under a stranger's nose
Is said to scar his brain
I'm doing my bit to see the
Power of taboo remains intact:
I keep a penis on my head
But never lift my hat
(I keep a penis on my head
But never lift my hat)

And if I've bored you stiff with
This riff about my penis
I wouldn't let a little thing
Like that come between us
And if you can think of
Another song even more atrocious
Well supercalifragilisiticexpifuckingdocious