Ray Stevens - People's Court lyrics

Hello, Judge Wapner
Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner
You're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall
Want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court

Hello, is this Judge Wapner
Of people's court?
This here is Arlo Drukard of
Arlo's one stop gas station
Beer, ice, bread, milk mini mart and all
Night video tape rental
Judge, what we got here is a
Marriage that's a regular catastrophe
That's right me and my wife, Myrna Louise
While once passionately in love
Now find that life has dealt us a cruel blow
Yes, sir
As we have matured, our tastes have changed
And we've grown apart
Intellectually, philosophically, politically
And in our recreational
And culinary interests
And now fall along parallel lines
Which will never again intersect
What I mean judge is
I can't stand that woman
Incompatible? No, I just hate her guts!
'Bout the only thing we agree upon is to get
On your show and fight this thing out
Now Myrna Louise's momma has even
Knitted us his and hers
Matching triple-knit leisure suit's
For the occasion
The Litigates are entering the courtroom
The plaintiff Arlo Drukard and the defendant
His wife Myrna Louise
Mr drukard is filing for divorce on
The grounds that Myrna Louise
Has become an aerobics and health food
Nut who no longer shares
His life's interests of watching TV
Eating large quantities of junk
Food and carp fishing

Naw! I just hate her guts!

Hello, Judge Wapner
Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner
You're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall
Want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court

The judge has reviewed the case in his
Chambers and is about to speak all rise!

I know you've been sworn and
I've read your complaints
I've spent several hours going over the
Files that you've both presented
And find this hard to believe myrna Louise
Is it true that you've suddenly
Stopped preparing a breakfast
Of ham, eggs, grit's
Biscuit's and cream gravy for Arlo after
Having done so for six years
And insist that he now eat
A bowl of spinach crispies
Sprinkled with wheat germ
And topped with kumquat yogurt?

I just want him to be healthy, your Honor
And Arlo is it true that without Mryna
Louise's knowledge or consent
You emptied out the entire contents
Of your ant colony into her best pair of one
Size fit's all pantyhose
That she used as workout leotards?

Yeah I did, Judge i thought if she wanted to
Do them air-e-obic exercises
I'd really help her get them pudgy
Little legs off the ground
You should have seen her, judge
Trying to get them things off
Made Jane Fonda look like Roy Orbison
I mean them little fire ants
Will get you to move

Dismissed! The people's court rules in
Favor of Myrna Louise!

The Litigates are now leaving the court room
Here comes Myrna Louise
You must be pretty happy
The judge ruled in your favor
And gave you everything
I just appreciate that Judge Wapner so much
I've been thinking this over, however
And I do want to be fair
Why, there ain't a vindictive bone
In my aerobic conditioned, quivering
Fire ant ravaged body
I'm going to let Arlo keep his ant
Colony and a Styrofoam minnow bucket
And here comes Arlo
Our disillusioned convenience store owner
I tell you, I'm still
Pretty dad-burned disillusioned
To tell you that
My marriage to Myrna Louise was my fourth
And I ain't come out of a one of them
I decided I ain't gonna get married again
No, sir i'm just gonna go out every
Three or four years
Find me a woman I hate and buy her a house
But, even though I lost I
Still suggest that all
You with problems call up the judge and say
Hello, Judge Wapner
Let us on that people's court
Hello, Judge Wapner
You're our court of last resort
Our marriage is up against the wall
Want to get on TV and tell it all
Judge Wapner, let us on that people's court