Ray Stevens - Red Hot Chili Cookoff lyrics

I write to you for the last
Time from my deathbed, oh, dear mother
My health is gone, I'm fading fast
And I fear I'll not recover
I've lost a hundred pounds
My hair, my sight
And this illness had it's nexus
The day I judged the red
Hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, texas

Well, as you know, in Tennessee
You fed us normal things
Yeah, like Tabasco-seasoned barbecue and
Spicy chicken wings
But, I've got a friend down here in
Texas who's a chili cook-off judge
And on the day of the statewide cook-off
He lay sick and could not budge

"I'm sicker than a dog", he said
"you'll have to take my place"
"Now all you do is pick the chili you
Like after givin 'em all a taste"
So of course, i did what I had to do
To help out my old friend
But that decision ruined my life and
Brought me to this sorry end

Do not eat Texas chili, mama
Or you will surely die (You will surely die)
Don't even mention Texas chili to me
I will tell you why
Just the thought will fire up memories
That'll wreck my solar plexus
Of the day I judged the red
Hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, texas

They led me to the judge's stand
And sat me in my place
Put three bowls of chili in front
Of me, just to sample, just to taste
Number one was "Dragon's Breath" and it
Had such a nice aroma
I took a big ol' bite, heh
Nearly slipped into a coma, oh

Oh, sweet Lord
What is this stuff? My uvula's on fire
My ears are ringing and my nose is running
And my feet are starting to perspire
Then number two was called "Flamethrower"
And it was not misnamed
One taste, my eyes, ears
Nose and throat all shot out long blue flame

"Help, somebody, call 911
I don't think I can breathe"
"I can't seem to catch my breath and
All I can do is wheeze"
Then I heard somebody screamin'
Screamin' uncontrollably
I turned to see who it
Was and Lord, have mercy, it was me

The winner was simply "Charlie's Chili"
Sounded innocent enough
But it knocked me backwards off the stand
With one taste of the stuff
I got up runnin', lookin' for a doctor or
Or an ice-cold bottle of water
I downed a keg of beer and six snow
Cones and it only made me hotter, ah

It's been a year now and I can
Only sip a smoothie now and then
If I try some solid food
The flames flare up again i'm galled
It burned and blistered from my
Mouth down to my colon
And what little skin that's left at
All is inflamed and badly swollen

So I write to you, dear mother
Just to say goodbye
And to warn you and the family
Of one thing before I die
Do not eat Texas chili
It'll put you in the ground
And even if you should survive
You won't be able to sit down

Do not eat Texas chili, mama
Or you will surely die (You will surely die)
Don't even mention Texas chili to me
And I will tell you why
Just the thought will fire up memories
That'll wreck my solar plexus
Of the day I judged the red
Hot chili cook-off in Jalapeño, texas

Ha