Ray Stevens - The Camping Trip lyrics

Last summer I thought for a little diversion
I'd take my family on a camping excursion
We were tired of vacations with
Air conditioned rooms and such
(Swimming pools, room service)

I thought two weeks way back in the woods
Would do us all a whole world of good
Especially the kids
They don't appreciate nature much
(Rather watch a TV, eat a Twinkie)

Well, my wife wasn't sure but
I said "Look here, honey
We'll have a lot of fun and
Save a lot of money"
Now right there's where I made
My first mistake friends
(I figured a tent, a few
Cans of beans, marshmallows
What could it cost?)
But with the sleeping bags
And the hiking shoes
And all the other paraphernalia that you use
It came to $6, 94722 (But like the man said
You can use it all again)

Well, we packed the new Land
Rover with the maximum load
And drove till we run plum out of road
And then backpacked six hours straight
Up a steep incline
(Briars and brambles and cockleburrs)

Then we saw the perfect site
There were trees on the left and
A creek on the right
Of a clearing to pitch the tent
Just what we had in mind
(Eat your heart out, Field & Stream)

Now pitching the tent took four hours or so
And by then the sun was sinking low
And the kids were whining and
Crying for something to eat
(Then my wife said "Where's the restroom?"
I told her and she grinned and says "yeah
Now where is it really?")

So we broke out the
Soda crackers and sardines
The Vienna sausages and the pork and beans
And sat around the fire to
Enjoy a well earned treat (Mmm good
None of that citified junk food for us)
(Kinda reminds me of wild hickory nuts)
Let's all go camping
You'll never have it so good
It's great getting back to Nature
Out here in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees
And the flowers and the trees where
The animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on camping
You'll never like the city again

Well, we just weren't ready
For what happened then
When sparks from the campfire
Carried by the wind set a pile of leaves and
Two $8995 sleeping bags aflame
(Little Elmer was going for the marshmallows
Thought it was part of the deal)

It spread from the bags and
The leaves to the trees
Raging out of control and
Fanned by the breeze
I thought all was lost and then
Thank God it started to rain
(I don't mean showers, friends
We're talking bare 'em up
Noah one whole time)

Well the fire was out
And we huddled in the tent
Whoa slapped out from the day's events
Floating on our air mattresses in mud
Ankle deep (Where upon my wife says
"I really need to know now
Where is the restroom?")

When it finally stopped raining it
Was cold and late
But those mysterious noises kept us awake
And we all knew we'd be mauled
Or axe murdered in our sleep
(At this point I knew the ghost stories
Earlier had been a bad idea)

I was dozing off, just about to dream
About a Holiday Inn
When a blood curdling scream
Announced the presence of something in
The tent covered with hair
(That's when I said, "Leap up there, son
And light the Coleman
I think there's something in here with us")
We lit the lantern and there he was
A little beady eyed fuzzy, looking at us
And we chased him out of the tent
And ran head on into a bear
(He'd just finished off the groceries and
Was frothing at the mouth
We ain't talking no Gentle Ben here friends)

He reared back on his haunches and
He let out a growl
And we all turned white and let out a howl
And went tearing through the
Woods in hysterics
Without a flashlight or a lamp
(It's amazing what adrenaline will do
I mean I was a track star in High School
But my chubby little wife
Just flatfooted past
Me with a child under each arm
Like I was taking a Sunday stroll
Yelling "Never mind the restroom!")

Well, somehow we all made it to the car
And I had to crank it with a quick hot wire
Cause, I'd left the keys in my backpack
Back at the camp
(Along with my shoes, wallet, my Rolex, $6
94722 worth of camping equipment)

We went flying down that dark and muddy trail
Slipping and a-sliding like a bat outta hell
Till we drove through a stream that
We'd crossed on our way in
(Lord knows how we missed all those trees
At 90 miles per hour - sideways)

Now the rain made it deeper
Than it was before
The water started pouring in around the doors
We had to swim for the shore
Never saw that Land Rover again
(Just floated off
Last I saw was the taillights
Going over the falls
State Farm's ain't never gonna believe this)

Well, we finally stumbled into civilization
Called a friend of mine from a Texaco station
And he drove out to pick us up
And take us all on home
(Wet, cold, tired and talking to ourselves)

They say take only pictures
And leave only footprints
Well, we left 8 sleeping bags
2 Trailmaster tents
A Coleman stove, $400 worth of groceries
A Land Rover, a Rolex and every stitch of
Clothing my wife ever owned
(Oh yeah, had to take it all
With us, mink coat, makeup
Electric curling iron
"You never know what you might need"
She said)

Let's all go camping
You'll never have it so good
It's great getting back to Nature
Out here in the woods
Amongst the birds and the bees
And the flowers and the trees where
The animals are our friends
Once you get hooked on camping
You'll never like the city again