Rustage, The Stupendium - Doctor! Doctor! lyrics

One Doctor to the microphone please
That's One Doctor to the mic thank you!

Welcome to Two Point! It's the place to be!
From a painless little ailment all
The way to A&E
Your county's death count was
Quite shameful to see
So now you'll have to pay to
Get away from that disease

Private healthcare! It's the way
It's meant to be!
Where's the Welfare? When you're
Getting it for free?
But it's well fair! Just
Beware of the receipt
Two Point's the only joint
For medical relief!


Check in - we'll get you diagnosed
Though the wait's a little long - I
Hope you brought a change of clothes
A patient must be patient - make
The waiting room your home
Just do your best not to
Pay attention to the ghosts!

Two Point Hospital's the only place to be!
Though we're required to say
There's other options, legally

We swear that we've prepared for you
The very best of care
We've medical professionals and
Specialists to spare
We found them on the internet
But really don't be scared
Though one or two had doctorates in crayon
To be fair

Screw the anesthetic truly it's pathetic
When saucepan wearing is the new pandemic

Doctor, I'm feeling a bit lightheaded

An irregular fixture
Rip it out! Slot a head in!


Uh, when I step on to the scene
Moving and grooving my body -
Ways you've never seen
Cha Cha Slide up into the GP
You say I need treatment - what
The hell do you mean?

I spent a few days browsing
Paintings at the Tate
To awake the next day as
An arrangement of shapes

Essential oils might have been the start
Remember, medicine is not a science
It's an art!

(I've just had a call from our
Legal team, it is in fact
A science apologies)

Right that'll be two hundred

Two hundred!? What!?

Two hundred watt? No
You're at least three fifty!

Private healthcare! The way it's
Meant to be!
Comfy desk chairs! (And a few fatalities)
But we learn a little something
Out of every tragedy
So your death won't be for
Nothing and that's a guarantee!


No matter what you're coming down with
I know that we can handle it
I just saw twenty clowns climbing
Out a tiny ambulance a lycanthrope, a mummy
And a mammoth case of flatulence
And thirty Freddy Mercuries does
Wonders for the ambiance

Two Point Hospital! Try our lobotomies!
And if you aren't satisfied
Get your next one for free!

I'm feeling blue
And can't express it to you
But with the doctors at this hospital
I'm fifty shades of screwed
I'm not doing so gray-t
It's Grey's Anatomy
I'm mad at these doctors
Using colorful vocabulary

Eh, Kung Fu? Seizure? Rapping!
I just rapping! Rapping, rapping!

Arcade nightly - never ever losing
Now I'm not so spritely, I need a resolution

I'm not a criminal! Jail?
I'm afraid of that! But with my condition
I've stolen all of my neighbor's cats!

Before we operate
There's forms you're yet to fill
To say we're not responsible when
We mess up the drill
Our honest interrogative is not
To get you killed
Cuz the patients who don't make it have
No way to pay the bill

I've treated many sickly beings from
Bloaty head to kidney beans
And if they're dead
It simply means an open bed (or quarantines)
Our policy is quality - we've
All the best technology
We're top in Radiology biology, Orthology
Bionic Ornithology and Chronic Escapology
Demonic Egyptology
Our gift shop is beyond belief
An inspection? No prob' at all!
Can't fake perfection
But we're faux nominal!

Doctor, I think I'm addicted to petting zoos

Oh? What are your symptoms?

Well, I've been feeling a little
Horse for a weeks

Private healthcare! The way it's
Meant to be!
There's a method to the madness
Aimed at every malady
We're the best you can afford
And the Yelp scores agree
We've got the best shade of grey morality!

Medical practices, this is what you call it?
I would've got the same experience
If I'd burned my wallet
I'm rating this place one out of five
But I've got no choice if
I want to stay alive

Two Point Hospital's impossible to beat!
The costs are astronomical
Cough up or you're deceased!

Erm doctor i keep forgetting what an
Airport building is called

I'm so sorry it's terminal!

Private healthcare! It's the way
It's meant to be!
Don't go elsewhere! Or we'll
Lose our subsidies!
Ignore the screams! Have a seat
A cuppa' tea
At Two Point you should make a full recovery!

Ignore our poor mortality rates!
I'm sure we can charge more
- tally the rates!
Yes we can get a little bit carried away
But ignoring all the flaws, tell me
How was your stay?

Choose Two Point Hospital for comical disease
We honestly can promise that
We'll probably succeed

Patients are reminded that fatality is not an
Excuse for late payment thank you!