Value Select - Are You a Failure? Have a Child lyrics

Have you ever wanted the perfect life
With great friends? A satisfying career?
Fast cars? Infinite wealth?
And other measures of success, like:

Owning a jetski? Owning two jetskis?
Owning three jetskis?
Or owning four jetskis?

Have you tried and tried
But just keep failing?
Is being good at life just too hard?
Well, I've got the solution FOR YOU!

Give up! And have a Child® it's the perfect
Excuse for why you never
Amounted to anything!

Heh if I didn't have this child
I'd be the President of the Moon!

Would you really have been, though?

I guess we'll never know

Having a Child® comes with great perks, like:
Feeling morally superior to
Your busy friends!

Working for the business, huh?
What a hollow existence

And reinforcing your ego as God-King!

Dad, you're so smart!

Hey, you don't gotta tell me twice - HEY
WAIT A SECOND!
I see what you're doing, you Narrator
You! Sounds like you're saying having a
Child is a bad thing!

For you? Yes

But why?

You're not gonna raise a useful
Human being! This is
A pathetic attempt to restart your own life!

You got me there! I always loved
Playing third-person video games now
I get to play one in real life!
Come on, you gotta hit those
Jimmy! how do you expect to be president of
The moon with a swing like that?!
Sorry i have a Child®

Thanks for everything, Mr narrator!
I have to go now it's the end of the sketch
Goodbye!