Amanda Palmer, Sam Kulik , Jason Webley - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing but The Truth so Help Your Black Ass lyrics

When I was six years old my sister Alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one

Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
"I made a cake and we're going next door
To Sam Weinstein's and
You're getting married" the cake was burned
It tasted gross she made me kiss him
On the mouth

Now I am 33 unmarried happily
No plans in life and I'm planning
To keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? Then
You have my permission

And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to

When I was nine I was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn't like me
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of Melanie skewered
With a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions
The cake was good i took some home
I had a party in my room

Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
But, I go to bars all alone and I sit there
And order red wine and I write and
I like being alone around people
Yes that's how I like it

And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I wanna sit here
And write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to

Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
But, I don't have to talk to you

When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art I
Was clueless to what they were after
Now I'm still a blowjob queen
Far more selectively
I don't make love now to make people love me
But, I don't mind sharing my
Gift with the planet
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic
And

When I was 25 I was a rock star
But it didn't pay too well I
Had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for
Shows and the cars driving by
Baby they'd never know
What a bargain they'd gotten
And if I'm forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all
That has happened and I still get laughed at
But it doesn't bother me
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me

And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to

So if I want to drink
Alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don't like
Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that i'm going to
THAT'S RIGHT, bitchES!