Baba Brinkman - The Wife of Bath's Tale lyrics

Back in the days of the Dark Ages
When King Arthur made his mark
And courageous
Knights – with tight young pages – embarked
On outrageous quests and fought
For ladies’ hearts
The shady parts among the hills and knolls
Were filled with fairies, elves and trolls
And dwarves were known to dwell in holes
And nymphs to succor willing souls
These thrilling folds, in time, emerged as
Badly out of line with churches
Which cursed all fairy-kind and purged us
To cleanse us of our primal urges
To try and discourage us from growing tense
The hills were filled with "holy men, "
And now women could lie alone, content
Without the old incubi, only them
And so it went that from King Arthur’s court
A strong young warrior marched his horse
And through the woods he charted his course


And he met a young girl in
The heart of the forest
And with heartless force
In less than a minute he
Committed an act of criminal obscenity
And since there was no one
Else in the vicinity
No one prevented him from
Taking her virginity

This sinister deed was so repugnant
That the knight was thrown
In the castle dungeon to await judgement
But what should be done with him?
King Arthur favoured capital punishment
A tactic of governments that live in fear
But the Queen, Gwenevere
Whispered in his ear:
"My Lord, his remorse is not insincere
I suggest we let the poor kid live a year
In fact, give him here let me deal with him"
And King Arthur granted her appeal
A decision that revealed he was a man
Of vision and real wisdom
That is, a husband able to still listen

And from his steel prison
The knight was brought
To the Queen, who said, "Boy
You’re in a tight spot
Your guilt is certain, but your life is not
Your head might head right
To the chopping block
Or you might just walk, and get clemency
But only if you can tell me what women need
"Answer me what it is every woman’s tendency
To want, and I’ll suspend sentencing
Now let your penance bring you some cheer
Come here again after one year
And then I want to hear from you some clear
Response now, I suggest you run, dear"
And Gwenevere gave him his walking papers
And the knight thanked her
And set off on this caper to save his life
And began to talk to his neighbours’
Wives, and got them to
List off their favourites
Like a census taker he took to the streets
And spent a year asking
Every woman he’d meet:
"If you could have just one thing
What would it be?"

But, you wouldn’t believe the diversity
They just couldn’t agree once asked
Some said this, and some said that
They said: confidence, compliments, comfort
Class compassion, fashion
Or for their passion to come back

And as the months passed, the knight realized
That he would soon be
Deceased unless he arrived at a conclusion
And he badly needed to be advised
‘Cause with all this confusion
He could only theorize
And he wouldn’t be alive to end the debate
And after eleven months and twenty-six days
He still wasn’t sure what he intended to say
As he headed back to the court
To be handed his fate
And what could stand in his
Way? On the road home
The knight ran into an ugly old crone
Whose face was so wrinkled he
Thought it had no bones
And as he passed, she heard a low moan
And asked, "So alone, without any company?
Something’s eating you, boy, anyone can see
But what could upset someone
So young and sweet?
It’s gonna be okay, son you can come to me
If you need comforting"
And the knight was so distressed
That he lowered his defenses and took
A load off his chest
And wept, and told the oldest woman he’d met
The whole messy story of his hopeless quest
And the approach of his death
And when she got the gist
Of his predicament, she said
"Promise me this: The next thing I ask for
You’ll honestly give
And I’ll tell you what the
Answer to your quandary is"
"As long as I live
" the knight frantically stressed
"I promise, if I can
I’ll grant your request!" and with that
She laid the man’s panic to rest
And taught him the bottom line
The way to answer best
The standing question that had
Been on his mind:
Like, "how in God’s name do you please
Womankind?"
The knight had spent a year listening blind
To opinions
And found all women differently inclined
But when his time was finally expired
Again the knight stood in the line of fire
Before the court and Queen
In their fine attire and he said
"Strike me dead if you think I’m a liar
Women desire to have sovereignty
Over their loves
And to have their husbands be
Happy if wives live above them, free
Now, is there any woman
Here who doesn’t agree?"

And everyone could see that the
Knight had it right
And he didn’t deserve to be sacrificed
And the Queen was about to
Give him back his life
When at that precise moment
That old nasty wife
Who just last night was so happy to save him
She stood up and smiled with
The face of a raisin and said
"He just recited the answer I gave him
Now he owes me a favour
And I’m ready for payment!"

And instead of evasion, the knight cheerfully
Agreed, "Fair is fair
What kind of care do you need?"
And she turned to the Queen and said, "Ooh
He’s very sweet and I’ll get all the care I
Need when he marries me!"
The knight stared in disbelief
At the smiling face of this tiny old granny
Of at least ninety-eight
Whose eye kept climbing his thighs
In a slimy way
And he realized there was no line of escape
Though he still tried to beg
And barter and plead and he offered the deed
To his father’s property
And sobbed, "Take whatever you want, please
Impoverish me, just let my body go free!"

But it was obvious she needed no persuading
She said, "Oh, baby, you know I’m an old lady
Decades over eighty there’s no way
You can pay me
Enough, now take me before I go crazy!"
And since there was no debating
The knight refused to get
Too upset, for fear he might lose his head
And that very same night the
"I do’s" were said
And with the Queen’s blessing
The two were wed and went straight to their
Bed and began undressing
But when his manly flesh felt
Those wrinkled hands caressing
The knight decided he just
Couldn’t stand the rest and he cried
"I can’t handle this it’s scandalous!"
And his wife grinned with lips
Like an empty cave
And asked, "Is this how all men behave
On their wedding day
When their lives have been saved
By their wives
And they’ve escaped knives with thin blades?
Other knights have been brave
When their freedom’s suspended
But, I can see by your face
That you believe I’ve offended
You, though I never intended to
Perhaps it can be mended
Just tell me what I did
And I’ll try to amend it"
"When this marriage is ended
Then I think I’ll be happy!"
Said the knight, "‘Cause you’re low-class
Wrinkled and nasty the type that would do
Anything to entrap me!" and she asked
"Do you really find these things distracting
When we’re interacting?" "Definitely!"
Said the knight
"How else would you expect it to be?"
And she said
"Then all I ask is that you listen to me
And we’ll see if after you think differently
"You’ve given me two reasons why
You can’t love me
You find me disgusting because
I’m low-class and ugly
Well, as for low-class
You can’t rashly judge me
Class is just something that holds us back
And nothing
Goes bad as fast as the souls of nobility
"Whose workloads leave them with gold
But no ability
To show compassion, cash but no humility
"Besides, with the middle-class
And upward-mobility
The only gentility left with any importance
Proceeds from a person’s actions
Not their fortunes
So no more ill-inform class distortions!

"And as for the fact that
I’m not exactly gorgeous
Perhaps you’re just gonna have to be grateful
That you’re in a marriage
That you’re actually able to trust
‘cause I pretty much have to be faithful
But, if you’d rather have me attractive
Just say so
‘Cause, I can magically change to
The shape of a blushing
Young maid with a face that’s
Both graceful and lovely
But in that case you’ll never
Be able to trust me
Would you rather a sexy, disgracefully lusty
Insatiable slut, finding ways to annoy you
Who raises up your jealous rage to a boil
Or would you rather have me this age
And loyal?"

But the knight couldn’t say which
Would make this enjoyable
And which would spoil the mood, and he sighed

"You are truly wise, my toothless bride
I think you should choose
Between the two sides
And I’ll make do with whatever you decide"
And as soon as the knight
Let his wife get control
Of his life, and truly decided to let go
The next moment she changed from a gray
Decrepit old
Creature to a young lady with such incredible
Features, the knight was speechless and
Stood in a trance
More deeply enchanted each time he
Took in a glance
And his wife saw his standing as
Stiff as a wooden lance

And said
"Few understand the union of woman and man
Common sense says we should
Be treated the same
But what’s really needed to keep people sane
Is for men to treat women
Like queens with free domain
And as soon as you agreed
To give me the reigns
It allowed me to change and
Become graceful and beautiful and young
And still remain faithful and dutiful
‘Cause you’ll never make me
Behave in an unsuitable
Way, now that you understand the undisputable
Root of all happy relationships!"
And with that she leaned forward
And gave him a kiss
And the knight was bathed in
A sense of weightlessness
And they lived out the rest
Of their days in bliss