Baba Brinkman - Wife of Bath lyrics

Once upon a time quite long ago
When King Arthur was in charge
Of the round table yeah, that’s right
You heard me – just listen
It’s a Hip-Hop rendition of
An Arthurian legend
And the early religion at that
Time that time was pagan
They had elves and fairies and dragons
And tree spirit's, and those sorts of things
According to old books: Lord of the Rings
And the bible I know
They’re just metaphorical
Allegorical instead of historical
Sorry folks, but this isn’t your show
I decide how the story is told and besides
Nowadays the fairies have vanished
Banished just ‘cause some of
Us aren’t very imaginative
Fairy-killers are known by various adjectives
Skeptics, atheists, rationalists
Anyway, maybe the change was all good
‘Cause in those days
A woman couldn’t walk in the woods
And feel safe
Without being chased by an incubus
Ew! Or some other beast tryin’ to cling to us
So maybe the spirit world’s
Death was worth it
Now that sex abuse is mainly just in churches
And other places of worship –
Women have it better now
Disrespect us and you’ll never live it down
But back to the lecture at hand
One of King Arthur’s knights was
A strapping young man
Who went out hawkin’ with
His peregrine falcon
One day, and met a young girl out walkin’
And instead of playing a
Chivalrous gentleman’s game
He took her virginity while
She protested in vain
Shame! A sympathetic delegation
Pressured King Arthur to condemn
The filthy rapist
In the girl’s name, and the King said, "Yes
Off with his head!" and sent him to his death
But the queen, Guinevere
And the other women there
Persuaded him, that was just a bit severe
They figured rehabilitative justice was
The best solution instead of retribution
So King Arthur gave him to
The Queen, to maim, kill or save him
She was supreme as Elena Kagan
Crossed with Kiera Knightly
Guinevere was rightly
Appointed to judge the tearful knight’s pleas
She said, "Hmm, I’m lookin’ at a dead man
Unless you can answer one simple question
Tell me what women want – answer truthfully
Don’t try to get it from a Mel Gibson movie
Or a sleazy pick-up artist’s book
You have one year to give
This riddle your hardest look
And then we’ll see what people think
Is he right?
Or is he just the weakest link? Goodbye!"
The knight was terrified he started traveling
The land
Asking random people for their advice
Hoping to find some kind of clear answer
But he could barely find a
Pair of matched words
Disaster! They all said something different
Some said, "Women just wanna be respected"
Other said "We want a family
A sense of security necklace, bracelets
And all other types of jewelry"
And some said "Women just
Want simple happiness"
Or "Hot sex to express our inner nastiness"
And some said, "Nah, you
Gotta flatter chicks, personally"
I admit, that does tend to work for me!
Others said
"We want danger we might not admit it
But we’re on for the chase and we
Want ‘em to come and get us
Plus we love a young thug
That’s overflowin’ with swag
And keeps his woman all draped
In new Louis Vuitton bags!
I know what them girls! I know!
I know what them girls like!

Anyway, the end of the year finally came
And the knight had no idea
What he was gonna say
To the Queen I mean, he was really desperate
As he headed back to the
Castle to accept his fate
And get his neck split, but along the way
The knight happened to pass through
A dark forest glade and he saw a circle
Of beautiful dancing girls
They giggled and played and
Laughed and twirled
And then… poof! The dancers vanished
And instead he saw the oldest
Woman on the planet
She was foul, her body shriveled and tiny
Her clothes ripped and grimy
He figured mid-nineties
She said: "Ooh, tell me, why so sad?
I’ll try to give you some
Wise advice if I can!"
And the knight collapsed at her
Feet and begged her
"Please! Advice, that’s exactly what I need!
Unless I can tell the queen what women want
She’s gonna kill me – listen, if you help me
I can make you wealthy!" And
She said: "Okay then
But can I have anything I ask as payment?"
"Anything I have, take it!" He replied
And she said: "Alright, I’ll keep you alive"
And she whispered a secret in his
Ear and escorted him in
To report it to the court women
Now, so many women had assembled to hear
What the knight was gonna say at
The end of his year
That the place was at capacity
Widows and spinsters
Teenagers, wives, and old women with dentures
The Queen was on high, ready to pass judgment
With guards standing by to take
His ass to the dungeon
The knight stood in front of
Them he cleared his throat
And said in a manly voice: "Okay, here we go
Here’s what women desire most: sovereignty
Never submission, only dominancy
And especially over men
Over husbands and lovers
That’s what women want you want
To live above us!
You don’t have to make every decision
But you always
Have to make the decision whether
To make the decision so, what’s it gonna be?
Is there any woman here
Who really doesn’t agree?"

Unanimous agreement – the knight had it!
Even women who like women said he was right
On average
The only people who disagreed with everybody
Were the ones whose college major
Was in "Gender Studies"
‘Cause they didn’t think "gender"
Was a natural category
Anyway, back to the story
The Queen was in agreement and
Just about to release him
When that same old lady he
Met earlier that evening
Shouted: "Wait! First I wanna speak!
I taught him that secret, and he promised me
Anything I wanted, well here’s my request
Marry me, baby, and take me to bed!"
"I did promise, " said the knight "I admit it
"But please, just choose something different!
Take everything I own take my money, my home
Anything you want, just leave my body alone!"
And the old crone said, "Aw, so sweet!
But money is something I’m too old to need
I just want you to hold me, baby caress me
Touch me all over and make me feel sexy!"

He tried to negotiate
But there was no escape
They were married the very next day
And after the vows
It was straight in the bedroom
The knight was crying
His ancient wife lying next to him
Smiling, like: "Honey, I need some attention!
Why are you curled up in the fetal position?
Is this how all of King Arthur’s Knights act
When they bring a new wife back for
Their first night in the sack?
I saved your life why would you take offense?
Just tell me what’s wrong
And I’ll try to make amends"
"Amends?!" said the knight
"You disgusting creature
You’re about as sexy as Mother Theresa!
You’re low class, you’re old
And you’re hideous too
I’d rather be dead than stuck
In bed with you!"
And she said, "Aw, is that really all it is?
You don’t like me ‘cause I’m old
And ugly and not rich?
Well, just listen to what I have to say
We’ll see if it’s really impossible to
Convince a man to change first of all
Class? Really? You bring up classism?
Everyone knows that’s an anachronism
Except in India
Where they still have a caste system
And in Britain
Where it’s their accents that restrict them
But everywhere else people know
The only inheritance
You get from rich parents is arrogance
You can get money from them, but not wisdom
You’re suffering from
Rich-person-autism: ‘Rot-ism’
It’s a disease, a lack of social skills
That comes from never having struggled
To float the bills
Too much caviar, cocaine, and canapés
No humility most of humanity can’t relate
Now, if your parents were charismatic
That might impress me
If your dad was Martin Luther King
Or John F Kennedy?
Maybe you could say: ‘My genes
Were my best gifts’ but no one cares if your
Parents were just rich!
They care about your choices
And the good works you do
Those are the only true sources of virtue
And if I’m old and ugly
Well look on the bright side
You never have to worry about what
I’m up to at nighttime
Other men live in fear of
Their wives cheating on them
But that’s only a problem because
Other people want them
But, I know how to make
You happy – you choose
You could have me young and beautiful
With huge boobs
And Scarlett Johansson hourglass curves
I could make this happen with
A couple of magic words
But, if you choose a young beautiful wife
Then other men will come and try
To seduce me at night and I just might
‘cause I’ll be young and playful
Or you could have me this age, and faithful!"

And the knight sighed and said, "I
Think I need to let my wise wife decide
Whichever you prefer, I’ll accept it"
And the old woman asked
Him one final question
Like: "Does that mean I’m in
Charge? Let’s be clear!"
And knight said the magic words: "Yes dear"
And she said, "That was the right answer
Any man who accepts his wife as his master
Will have both beauty and fidelity
(As far he knows) and that’s
What you’ll get from me!"
And poof! She changed into
Scarlett Johannson’s twin
And the knight was bathed in a bath of bliss
And he kissed her a thousand times
And that’s how they lived
For the rest of their lives
Faithful and passionate and that’s the end
Now my story is spoken
Now ladies, let us pray
Let us pray for husbands easily broken
Let us pray for men
Of courage and compassion, men of skill
And wisdom
The wisdom to bend to women’s will
Let us pray for men with girth and length
Men with talent and rhythm
Men with hand strength
And let us especially pray for the tragic men
Who lack the common sense
To recognize the fact
Of natural female dominance
Let them repent, or be taken by pestilence
And let women never, ever
Ever have sex with them amen