Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks - 2000 Year Old Man lyrics

About four days ago
A plane landed at Idlewild Airport
The plane came from the
Middle East bearing a man who claims to be
2, 000 years old he's spent the
Last six days at the
Mayo Clinic sir? Is it true that you are 2
000 years old?

Oh boy!oh yes

You are 2- It's hard to believe, sir
Because in the history of man
Nobody's ever lived more
Than 167 years as a man from Peru claimed
To be but you claim to be 2, 000

Yes, I'll be- not yet- I'll be 2
000 October 16th yes

You'll be two-thou-whеn, when were you born?-



Wе didn't have formal years and names and
And writing we didn't know

I see, and-

-Nobody kept time then see, we didn't know
We didn't write, we just sat around
We point at the sky and we
Said "Whoa! Hot! Ooh!" Ya know?

That's all they said?

We didn't even know it was the sun
We thought that

You mean you really didn't know anything?

We didn't know anything! We were
So dumb and stupid!-

Sir, -

We didn't even know who was a lady

But they were-

(unintelligible) They was with us
But we didn't know who they were! We didn't
Know who was ladies and who was fellas

You thought it was just a
Different type of fella

Yes, they're stronger or smaller or
You're softer the softer
Ones I think were ladies all the time

But, what, how did you find out about-

-A cute
A cute fat guy with you could mistake
(unintelligible) soft and cute

Who was the person that
Discovered the female?

Bernie

Who was Bernie?

Bernie was one of the leaders of our group

And he discovered the female?

Yes

How did that happen

He said "Hey, there's, there's ladies here!"

I'm very interested to find out
How Bernie discovered the woman

Well, he-

How did it come to pass?

He, wha, one morning, he got up smiling well
He said "I think there's ladies here" So
I said 'Whaddaya mean, huh?" So he said
"'Cause in the night
I was thrilled and delighted" See? So then
He went into such a story
Thatit's hundreds of years later
I still blush!

Sir, could you give us the
Secret to your longevity?

Well, the major thing
The major thing is that I
Never ever touch fried food-

Uh, uh-

-I don't eat it, I wouldn't look at it
And I don't touch it and, and, eh, uh
Never run for a bus, there'll always
Be another, Even if you're late for work
You know i never run for a bus, I never ran
I just strolled jaunty jolly, walking to the
(unintelligible)

But there were no buses in the time of-

No, in my, in my time, we had, eh-

What was the means of transportation then?

Mostly fear

Fear transported you?!

Fear, yes you see, an animal would growl
You will go two miles in a minute

But I suppose you would-

Fear would be the main propulsion

Yes, but most people are
Interested in living a
Long and fruitful life as you have

Yes, fruit is good too now that you mentioned
Fruit fruit kept me going for 140 years
My child i was on a
Very strict diet, mainly nectarines love that
Fruit! It's a half-a-peach, half-a-plum
Such a helluva fruit not too
Cold, not too hot, you know? Just nice

What is the-

Even a rotten one is good
That's how much I love 'em
I'd rather eat a rotten nectarine
Than a fine plum, what do you think of that?

I can understand that

That's how much I love them

Yes, sir?-

-Some good things-

Sir, what did you do for a living?

Well, many years ago-thousands of years
Ago-there was no heavy industry

We know that

The most things we manufactured or we made
The most things we
Ever made was, uh, we take a piece of wood
See? And rub it and rub it
And clean it and look at
It and hit earth with it and
Hit a tree with it

For what purpose?

Just to keep busy
There was nothing laughs There
Was absolutely nothing to do! We had no job

What other jobs were there?
There must've been something
Else besides hitting a tree with a-

Nope

-piece of stick

That-Hitting a tree with a piece of stick was
Pretty good job you couldn't get that job
You know? Mainly it was sitting and looking
At the sky was a big job
And another job was watching
Each other was one
Thing that was life like looking each other

And what language did you speak at that age?

They spoke, uh, Rock basic Rock

Basic Rock that was before Hebrew

Yeah, it was it was 200 years before Hebrew
Was the Rock language or Rock talk

Can you give us an example-

Yes

-of that?

""Hey you, don't throw that rock
At me!" "Hey you, what are
You doing with the rock over
There? I'll call a policeman
For god's sake"

Do you remember, do you remember your Hebrew
Sir?

Yes, III remember fluently-

Because I understand the modern Hebrew
Is different from the-

Yes a difference in some of the
Phonetic alliterations and patterns yes
Yes-

Can we hear an example of the ancient Hebrew?

Uh, the ancient Hebrew is, uh, "Oh, hi there
Hello hello there, how are you? I'm alright
I tell you"

That's English

Oh wait, wait uh

Do you remember any Hebrew?

Very little I think i don't
Think I remember it i
Think I must've forgotten a great deal of it

I think you forgot it all, sir

Maybe all, yes maybe all

Yes

Thousands of years since I needed it

Now sir, did you ever have any formal job
As we know it today?

Well, I was a manufacturer, I was an owner

What kind of a factory did you have?

I had a, uh, I used to make
The Star of David, the Jewish stars
I was one of the first ones to makd

(overlapping)

As soon as religion came in
I was one of the first in that

(overlapping)

I figured this is a good thing-

Yes, and how did you make
Them? Did you have tools?

Well, we didn't have lathes
I employed six men
See? One for each point and
They used to run together
And li backboard and at great
Speeds they would fuse

Thus making a star

Yes we would make two a
Day because of the many
Accidents you have six men
Running at high speeds, of course!

You never thought of going into anything else

No i had an offer once

What was that?

A fella came to me Simon

What did Simon ask you to do?

He said "We have a new thing a
New item a winner looks like
A winning item that's gonna be a
Big seller it's called a cross" And, uh
I looked at it and I turned it over and
I looked in all sides of it, and I said, "Uh
It's simple it's too simple" I didn't
Know that it was eloquent

You mean you didn't-

No i didn't know it be such a hit

You turned him down

And I said "I'm sorry, but I'm too busy"
See, I could've, I could've fired four men
Two men
Run together, bang! You got a cross see
I could've
Saved-I would've had over $100 today i mean
Crosses they're everywhere

By the way, sir, are you married?

I've been married several hundred times

Several hundred times?

Yes, yes

You have been ma- Do you
Remember any of your wives?

One I remember well

Which one was that?

The third one Shirley oh, I remember her-

I'm afraid to ask this next question
You have many hundreds of wives?

Hundreds and hundreds of wives?

How many children do you have?

I have over 42
000 children and not one comes to visit me
(dialogue drowned by laughter) Yes
You bet how they
Forget their father sure that's how it is

That's awful
Sir that's really- you mean to say
There isn't one daughter who-

Many daughters but, but
You know how they are good luck
To them, let them go i don't want- Listen
Let 'em be happy as long
As they're happy I don't care but
They could send a note and
Write "Hiya, Pop" "How ya doin'
Pop", ya know? Something no, they don't

Sir, you must've known some great men in
Your time you did travel throughout the-

I knew the great and the near-great

Can I ask you about some of these?

Certainly, I'll tell you the true i'll
Tell you the true "Whether-Iknew-or not"

For instance-for instance
People are very interested in
Somebody like Joan
Of Arc a lot has been written about her
We read a lot a-

Ah, what a cutie joan

You knew Joan of Arc?

I went with her, dummy! I went with her

Nowhere in history do we know
Of Joan going with anybody

Well, they don't print that!

You didn't marry her

No, no, i didn't marry her because she was
On a mission she used
To say to me-She used to say to me "I
Gotta go save France" I used to say "Look
I gotta wash up you save France see ya
Later after you save France, i'll wash up"

How did you feel-

Hurry, hurry, me and Murray

How did you feel about her
Being burned to the stake?

Terrible terrible see I didn't- I didn't know

Sir, how about some of
The legendary characters
Who supposedly might've existed?
For instance, robin Hood did he exist?

Oh yeah, lovely man ran around the forest

Did he really steal from the rich
And give to the poor?

No, he didn't

He didn't

He stole from everybody and kept everything

Well, how did legend-

How did legends

How did legend spring up that he was-

He had a fella
Marty marty the press agent ran
In all the papers and
Wrote in scrolls he took the
Legend that he gave
To the poor who knew? Who
Knew? He gave you such
A knock in the head when he robbed you
(unintelligible)

In other words, -

He was a tough guy

I hate to see our legendary
Figures smashed like this

Well, I hate to smash 'em for ya

Yes, did you you lived so long
Did you have an accident in all this time?

An accent? Oh yes

An accident

Oh, an accident! Uh, yes, Yes, in the
Year 61 I was hit, uh
I was run over by seven men fleeing
A lion they ran me over

That's the extent of-

They didn't have insurance
I didn't have insurance
There was no such thing back then
So you lay dead til you got going

In the 2, 000 years you've lived
You've seen a lot of changes

Ah, certainly

What is the biggest change you've seen?

In 2, 000 years
The greatest thing mankind has ever devised
That I think in my
Humble opinion is Saran Wrap you
Can put a sandwich in
It, you can look through it
You can touch it, you can put it
All over your face and pull it
Around everything it's so good
You can put with-

You equate this with-

I love it you can put three olives in
It and put a little one you can
Put ten sandwiches in it and make a
Picture out of it whatever you want
It's clean and it sticks-

You equate this with-

You can look right through

You equate this with man's discovery of space

That was good that was good
That was a good thing

Well sir
We don't have much more time but we all
Here would like to know your code

Well, alright is this it?

You're on

The farewell?

Your farewell address

Hello there this is 2
000 years talking to you from the depths of
Back-there-when-we-was now-I'm-still-and-they
Not and I
Just want to
Say keep a smile on your face and
Stay out of a Ferrari or any
Small Italian car stay out of them, and I
Wanna tell ya it's been a wonderful 2, 000
Years, and you've been
A wonderful civilization, and it's
Been a thrill living for 2, 000 years
And eat a nectarine it's the
Best fruit ever made