Dan Bull - The Porn Minister lyrics

Dear David Cameron

You want us to admit if
Porn's something we're interested in? (what)
I've never heard a more
Intrusive line of questioning (yeah)
There's a lot of chaps with no-one
To put their erection in
You've put the onus on their boners
To come and confess the thing
(ha) Despite it's popularity the
Silence'll be deafening
Censorship is not the method to mop
Up the mess we're in (ha)
Next you'll be suggesting police kettling
Any people sending text messages
With three Xs in
Will I still be free to see The Exorcist?
'Cause there's a crucifix in that and
A tween having sex with it if not
What's the difference between
An adult actress
And a thespian in a sexually packed script?
(tell me)
You plan to block pages with a blacklist
So if I say "rape" does it
Mean I can't rap this?
In terms of sexual deviance the
Tories have had practice
Dave, I've seen the stains
On your Brasenose mattress
And it's ironic you're proposing
A porn ban 'cause you're considered one of
Britain's biggest wankers

(Ah) human rights are universal cultural
Differences are not
An excuse to water down human rights
Nor can the exploitation of digital
Networks by criminals or terrorists
Be a justification for states
To censor their citizens

But think of the children
Think of the children
A free and open Internet's
Probably gonna kill them
Think of the children, think of the children
A free and open Internet's
Probably gonna kill them

Mate, rape fantasies are a common obsession
(yeah) but actually being a rapist is
Not a logical progression (yeah)
To beat abuse, you should use a new weapon
Like battling the stigma for
People when confessing
That they've been molested
Or beaten senseless
The way that they're treated
By police is horrendous
Some of us understand, Louise Mensch does
The consensus is your dumb plan's defenceless
(uh)
Tories are all about family responsibility
(ha) so your proposal seems silly to me (ha)
Serious criminals don't use Bing
They use P2P and darknet webrings (think)
China's blacklist accuracy couldn't be lower
It's like trying to trim your
Fro with a mower (ow)
When has censorship ever fixed a problem?
"yeah, it's not like North Koreas got them"
(no) but, if that's the kind of
Thing for which your clamouring
Do you mind if I refer to
You as Kim Jong Cameron?

Think of the children, think of the children
A free and open Internet's
Probably gonna kill them (no)
Think of the children, think of the children
A free and open Internet's
Probably gonna kill them
(ugh ugh responsibility)

If you can't say "fuck", you can't say
"Fuck David Cameron with a piece
Of slightly undercooked broccoli"