Dan Bull - True Facts lyrics

Did you know that in the world
There are nearly half a million facts?
But the average person only knows
About a quarter of them
So, like some sort of
Gay conversion therapist DJ
I'm going to try set the record straight

Ladies and gentledudes (Hi)
May you consent, approve and let me choose
A few selected truths
With which to lecture you and set to music
I was sent to do this by Skull and Pat
A couple of lovely chaps who
Produce some other nerdy rap
Fact: Michael Jackson wasn't actually black
He was Latvian and just happened
To look like that
Fact: The planet isn't flat or round
It's a rugby ball in feet and inches Peter
Dinklage is bloody tall
Vikings never wore helmets with horns
They never even wore pants or trousers at all
They came from Asia, invaded Scandinavia
Where they introduced the craze
Of ladies having labia
You probably may have been
Taught the periodic table it was made by a
Carpenter from periodic maple
Plus there's periodic place mats
And periodic cutlery
Arranged by periodic maids
And periodic butlers
Each chemical element is the
Size of a pelican
That's so tiny that it defies any measurement
Fact: The oldest skeleton that's
Ever been discovered
Was a hundred and eleven
Someone left it in a cupboard
Fact: No John Lennon song's ever been covered
They were lost in the wash
And have never been recovered
He was in a heavy metal
Band called The Beatles
Then he met Paul McCartney
And formed The Eagles
Their biggest ever hit was Hotel Rwanda
A motown anthem about smoking ganja
Fact: A goat's antlers are made
Out of bone cancer
"Hello, ho" is the phrase you'd
Say when the phone answered
I'm so proud of everything I get right
There's no doubt 'cause I read
It on a website there are five directions:
North, south, left, right
(yeah) and I'm only as good at
Rapping as the next guy (hah)

You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
I've never found it too taxing
To remove a screw cap (hah)
You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
Catholic priests haven't been accused
Of doing lewd acts (hoo)
You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
Dr dre basically invented Boom Bap (swoo)
You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts (look)
Rest in peace to Big Narstie and 2Pac

Both killed in a hit and run, a different one
By the same bullet fired out
Of this specific gun
There isn't such a thing
As an effective vaccination
You'll definitely go deaf
From excessive masturbation (fact)
The human foreskin can be stretched enough
To be a sleeping bag
Keeping tabs on eating habit's
Guarantees a decent shag (ah)
This track's a live performance
But there's some streaming lag
Poland stole and revolved the pole
That holds the Indonesian flag
Youtubers who do pranks are
Humorous and need thanks
The reason being there's huge demand
For even deeper cheeky bants
It's ethical and legal
There's nothing they leave to chance
I'm not rapping this track
While wearing geeky pants
Each grand piano has just a hundred keys
Eighty eight above and then
Another dozen underneath
It plays a special scale that
Only the deaf can tell
And the letters of the notes are
Engraved and etched in braille
Gucci and Chanel used to be
Free 'cause they wouldn't sell
People used to have to fetch
Their internet from a well
A wooden bucket full of someone else's e mail
Encrypted hieroglyphically to hide the detail
Fact: The Egyptians were the
First to use emojis (fact)
Filthy Frank plays a new character
This dude Joji (fact)
Each Disney movie's rooted in a true story
(fact) bambi was banned in Banbury
For being too gory (fact)
Jeremy Corbyn thought of forming
A new Tory party
To restore the Caucasian race to glory
Fact: Stephen Frye doesn't even
Like Hugh Laurie
Fact: You will only reproduce
If you do doggie
Humans don't actually have five senses
We can psychically detect what a
Twat Mike Pence is
Harvey Weinstein never acts licentious
It's just another actress trying
To gaslight friendships (what)
Hey, there's no such thing as fake news
It's all true
It's against the law to misinform
I assure you
The core use of a Tide pod's for food
Disagree? No need to call me, I'll call you
(uh)

You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
A screwdriver to the ear will
Remove the loose wax (chllp)
You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
No hispanic person's ever take afternoon naps
(hola) you need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
A sort of faded shade of
Puce is the new black (oh)
You need to move back (why?)
'Cause these are true facts
Don't bother trying to improve
It doesn't do jack

And that's the truth (the truth)
You know it's the truth (the truth)
Because I spelled the word "truth"
With a capital T