Flight of the Conchords - Shady Rachel (Live in London) lyrics

This is a jazz tune called "Shady Rachel"
If you don't like jazz then now's
A good time to take 5
That's one for the Brubeck fans
Yeah, a lot of people wondering
How we got here tonight
Well, we caught the Coltrane
It's a great way to get from A to B flat sus
It all started when I invited Rachel round
To one of my parties you know
All my friends were there, Shifty
Shifty Pete, Sneaky Steven, regifting David
He showed up and gave me that birthday
Present I gave him last year
I gave you that book
You were there Jazzy Jem
I remember I turned up to his party
I remember ringing doorbell
I just did a little
A ding dong zoo bah doo bah doo bah zee-bow
I don't even have a doorbell
I improvize it, I improvize it
I'm a jazz musician the party was swinging
Long-winded Tim was telling one
Of his meandering anecdotes
And well, everyone was enjoying their soup
Well, I mean some people were enjoying it
But I have one thing
I keep mentioning this to him
He has these soup parties
And he only has one spoon
He insists everyone uses it
Why can't we just bring a spoon? He
Doesn't want people to get mixed up
Says no, no, use a spoon I got a spoon
I only need one spoon I'm a jazz man
I know, I know (I live alone)
Well okay but I was sitting right next
To Coldsore Eleanor and Herpes Herb
It was around midnight I found
My spoon was missing i thought ah
There's only one person would take
A man's only spoon that's Shady Rachel
Might have been Thieving Steven, I suspect
I went 'round to her place I said "Rachel
Open up the door I wanna take
A look in your cutlery draw"
And it was worse than I first anticipated
She had 8 spoons in that draw
That's a normal amount of spoons to have
Who the hell has 8 spoons man
What the hell she do with all those spoons?
Rachel she's got 6 kids and
She lives with her mother
She needs her 8 spoons
Well I found my spoon, it has the handle
The long handle part
And the scooping part that
Differentiates it from afar
Okay, I'm just gonna say
We're just gonna make one more point
That's a very generic description
Of every spoon
Well, Shady Rachel kicked me out that door
Out on the street, a man without a spoon
Take it to F, fellas
Oh, I was alone without a spoon
I just wanted some yogurt
At 3AM, my phone rang it's a jazzy phone
Are you gonna answer this phone or
What's that? You gonna answer this phone? I
Don't wanna hyperventilate here
Oh, I'm sorry
I answered the phone it was Shady Rachel
She said baby I need your
Help "I need your help"
I said what's the problem?
She said there's some creepy dude in
The tree outside my apartment
I said well what's he doing
She said he's talking on his phone
I said, baby, that's me
She said I'm calling the police!
I said, yeah you call the police baby
What you gonna tell them when they
Find all those stolen spoons?
Well she did call the police
And they showed up had a real jazzy siren
It turn out she'd called the jazz police
I was incarcerated for crimes against jazz
Locked up with various, felonious punks
Yeah alright
Shady Rachel, if you're listening baby
I got one last thing to say to you
I want my spoon back
I gotta dig my way outta here