Frank Zappa - Billy the Mountain lyrics

Billy the mountain billy the mountain
A regular picturesque postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely rosamond and Gorman
With his stunning wife Ethell a tree!
A tree!

Billy was a mountain ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder
Billy was a mountain ethel was a tree
Growing off of his shoulder

Billy had two big caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
That would go up 'n down and whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a boulder (hack)
Hack up a boulder (hack! hack)
Hack up a boulder (hack! hack! hack)
Hack up a boulder

Now, one day


A man in a checkered suit drove up in a big
Lincoln continental, and he laid a huge
Bulging envelope right at the corner
Of billy the mountain
Right where his 'foot' was supposed to be
Now, billy the mountain
He couldn't believe it!
All those postcards he'd posed for
For over these years
And finally, now, at last, his royalties!

Billy the mountain was rich! his
Eyeball-caves widened in amazement his cliff
(which was his jaw) , it dropped thirty feet!
Ooh, a bunch of dust puffed out!
Rocks and boulders hacked up
(hack! hack! hack! hack hack! hack!
Hack) crushing 'the Lincoln'!
Now, the man in the checkered suit, well
Without his car he went screaming off
Into the desert at sunset
All the way to Rosamond to get
A beer and tell everybody there
Including Ronnie Cook what had
Happened to his car i gave him the money
He acted real funny he hocked up a rock and
It totaled my car!

Oh, do you know any trucks
Might be bound for the Valley?
I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar (dear lord)

I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar (no shit)

I don't want to stand here
All night in this bar! By two o'clock
And the bars are already closed down
Billy had already broken 'the
Big news' to Ethel
With dust and boulders everywhere
Billy, choked with excitement, announced
"Ethel, we're going on a vacation!"

Yes, and they were going on a vacation!
(oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel
Ethel just like a woman
Of course she was delighted! she
Creaked a little bit
And some old birds flew off of her
Hey, Mr tambourine Man, play a song)
Billy told Ethel they were going to
They were going to New York!
"Ethel, we're going to new York!"
But first they were gonna stop in Las Vegas
It's off to Las Vegas
To check out the lounges pull a few handles
Drink a few beers (oh, Ethel)

Ethel, my darling you know that I love you!
I'm glad we could have a vacation this year!
(oh, neet-o)

Glad we could have a vacation this year!

They left that night
Crunchin' across the mojave desert
Their voices echoing through the
Canyons of your minds
"Ethel, want to get a cuppa cawfee?"


"there's a Howard Johnsons! want
To eat some clams?"
The first noteworthy piece of
Real estate they
Destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base
And to this very day
'wing nuts' and data reduction clerks alike
Speak in reverent whispers about
That fateful night when
Test stand number one and the
Rocket sled it'self got LUNCHED!
By a famous mountain-in and his small
Wooden wife good bye to Las Vegas
Farewell to the lounges
We pulled a few handles we drank a few beers

Guess that George Putnam
Should be on the air now
With the biggest new story
That has broken this year (George Putnam)

His biggest new story
That has broken this year
(Take it away, George)

"Word just in to the KTTV
News service undeniably links
This mountain and his wife to drug abuse
And pay-offs as part of a
San Joaquin Valley smut ring!
However, we can assure parents in
The Southern California area
That a recent narcotics crack down
In Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita
Westchester, Playa del Rey, Santa Monica
Tujunga, Sunland, San Fernando, Pacoima
Sylmar newhall, Canoga Park
Palmdale, Glendale, Irwindale
Rolling Hills, Granada Hills, Shadow Hills
Cheviot Hills
Will provide the secret evidence
The Palmdale grand jury has needed
To seek a criminal indictment
And pave the way for stiffer legislation
Increased federal aid
And avert a crippling strike of bartenders
And veterinarians throughout the
Inland empire
But it is this reporter's opinion that
Ethel is a former Communist"
Within the week
Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon
("wah wah wah
Nice lady!") to raise funds for the injured
(injured) and homeless (homeless) in Denver
As Billy had just levelled it, and
A few miles right outside of town
Billy caused a 'Oh Mein Papa'
In the earth's crust
Right over the secret underground
Dumps where they
Keep the pools of old poison gas
And obsolete germ bombs
Just as a freak tornado cruised through


Sucking up two thirds of it
(suck! suck! suck)
For untimely dispersal over vast
Stretches of wATTS!
Now, it was about this time, I think
It was right outside of Columbus
Ohio that billy got his notice to
Report for his induction physical
Now, believe me
Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go!

"I'm not gonna let you go, billy!"
And george putnam
The right-wing creepo fascist pig newscaster
From los angeles said
(take it away george putnam
The right-wing fascist radical creepo pig
Newscaster from los angeles)

"we now have confirmed reports from
An informed orange county minister
That ethell is still an active communist
And it's this reporter's opinion that
She also practices witch-craft!"

It was about this time that the
Telephone rang in the secret briefcase
Belonging to the one mortal man
Who might be able to stop all of
This senseless destruction and
Save 'America herself'!

Now, some men say he looked like
(he looked like) felix Pappalardi
(Felix Pappalardi) still others
Say (others say) bullshit, man
(bullshit, man) he was just
Born (he was born)
Next to the frozen beef pies at Gristede's
(frozen beef pies) still others say
(others say he was just another)
Again, he was just a crazy Italian
(crazy Italian) who drove a red car
You see it was hard to tell
(but nobody knows)
Nobody knew for sure (for sure)
He was so (so) mysterious (mysterious)
Oh yes, he was he was so
(he was so, he was so) mysterious!

He was so mysterious!

Cause when a person gets to be
Such a hero, folks
And marvelous beyond compute
You can never really tell
About a guy like that
(whether he's really a nice person
Or if he just smiles a lot, what?)
Or if he has a son named 'pinocchio'
Or what?

Whether he's really a nice person or if he
Has a son named 'pinocchio' or what?
Some men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing (like neil sedaka)
And all the girls in flushing
Would be amazed of him (two, three)
Amazed of him!

Time passes january, February, March, July
Wednesday august
Irwindale 2: 30 in the afternoon
Sunday! Monday funny Cars!
Walnut! Friday
City of Industry big John Mazamanian!

So when the phone rang
In the secret briefcase (thank you)
A strong masculine hand with a wristwatch
And flexy bracelet grabbed it
And answered
In a deep, calmly assured voice:

"yes, this is he! what? a mountain with
A tree growing off of it's shoulder?
You're fulla shit, man, what? what, uh, are
Are you sure?
Oh well, alright, let me write this down
Then, sorta take a few notes here
To new york? Causing untold destruction?"
(my baby, my baby, my baby, my baby, oh!
My baby, my baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby my baby, my baby, my baby
My baby, my baby)
(my baby, my baby, my baby)

"wanted for draft evasion? Can I
Can I fly there immediately
And reason with him?
An expense account? and per diem, too?"
Some men say he could dance!
Yes, he could dance
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen
The studebaker hoch dancing lesson & cosmic
Prayer for guidance featuring aynsley dunbar
Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
Right hand from the heart uh (professional)
Left hand from the heart uh (exquisite)
Right hand from the heart uh (homunculus)
Left hand from the left shoulder
To the heart uh

Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly
Twirly, twirly, twirly, hey!
There were a number of rumors
Circulating about studebaker hoch recently
Consider if you will the rumors that
Have spread that he could write
The lord's prayer on the head of a pin!
Some men say he could write the lord's prayer
On the head of a head of a
Head of a pin (three dog night)
(yeah)

Other still maintain the fact! (good god)
He was born next to the frozen beef pies
(and that was the main influence on him)

Boldly springing into action
He phoned his wife
(who ran a modeling school)
Whereupon she he ran around
The back of 'gimbel's'
To see if he could find
Some big un-used cardboard boxes

After which, he hit up gristede's for
Some 'kaiser broiler foil'
Some 'aunt jemima syrup'
And a pair of blunt scissors! hey hey!
Yes, and in the parking lot
Across the street from the
One fifth avenue hotel
(in between a pair of customized
Trucks where nobody was looking)
He cut out a pair of
Really, really nice wings
And he covered 'em thoroughly with
Foil thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with foil thoroughly with
Foil thorougly with foil
Thoroughly with foil
Thoroughly with with foil!

Then he took those 'wings'
And wedged one under each of his powerful
Arms and sneaked into a telephone booth

He closed the door! and he pulled down
His gray denim bus driver type pants
And he spread even amounts
Of aunt jemima syrup
All over the inside of his legs
Right underneath his boxer pretty shorts
Ha ha ha!
Soon the booth was filling with flies!
(help me, help me, help me)
He held open the legs of his boxer
Shorts so they could all get in
Yes! and when each and every
One of those little each and every one of
Those little cocksuckin'
Flies had gone into his boxer shorts
And was lapping up all that
Good aunt jemima syrup
He bent over and he put
His head between his legs
And he said to those little flies in a clear
Impressive voice "new york!"
And the booth and everything lifted up
Out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
Studebaker yeah, yeah
Studebaker studebaker

Studebaker yeah, yeah
Studebaker studebaker

He's coating his legs
With aunt jemima syrup up and down!

His shorts'll be filled with flies
That will be buzzing all around!
(help me, help me, help me)

Stoodlabaker hoch he's really outa sight!
Stoodlabaker hoch he does it every night!
Stoodlabaker hoch
He treats the flies all right
Stoodla baker hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

(please to new york! Fly to new york)

He could be a dog or a frog
Or a lesbian queen!

(fly to new york) he could be a nark
Or a lady marine!

Or he might play dirty! He's over thirty!
(getting old? say! I don't know)

His peculiar attire and the flies he require
Keep leading him on cause ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

(please to new york! Fly to new york)

(fly to new york, i don't know)
His peculiar attire and the flies he require
Keep leading him on cause ethell is gone
They keep leading him on
Cause ethell is gone
And the mountain she's on

We join studebaker hoch standing on the
Edge of billy the mountain's mouth
"billy? I've come to reason with you!
Our great country needs you
In the armed forces!
Why, it's all fair and square, the lottery
You know? your number came up
You can't go on running like this forever"
Ethell shook her twigs angrily
But studebaker hoch, un-ferturbed, continued
"listen, you (cough cough) listen
You communist son-of-a-bitch!
You better get your ass down
There for your fuckin' physical
Or I'll see to it that you
Get used for fill dirt in some impending new
Jersey marsh reclamation
And your girl-friend here will wind up
Disguised as a series of brooms
Primitive ironing boards (or a dog house)
Get the (cough, cough) , get the picture?"
Billy just laughed
"ho, ho, ho! if they think
They're gonna draft me, they're crazy!"
Now you'd remember that studebaker
Hoch was standing
On the edge of billy's mouth
So that when he laughed
He lost his balance and unfortunately fell
Screaming, two hundred feet into
The rubble below!

(that was only one hundred feet
You carnaby cutie let's hear another set)

Which only goes to prove
A mountain is something
You don't want to fuck with
You don't want to fuck with
Don't fuck around (don't fuck around)

Don't fuck with billy
And don't fuck with ethell

(you saw what just happened
To the guy with the flies)

With biddilly, biddilly
Biddilly, biddilly, biddilly

Biddilly the
Mountin!

Biddilly the
Mountin!

Thank you for coming to
Our concert good night