Hank Green - Ulcerative Colitis lyrics

I have a complicated relationship
With the distal portion
Of my large intestine
Also known as the colon
I started feeling kinda shitty
When I turned 23 and then the pain got worse
And worse every day
And the days turned into weeks

I finally went to see the doctor
And I pooped into a cup
And then a few weeks after that he
Stuck this camera up my butt
The camera was in a tube
And the tube pumped out air
So that my colon could inflate and
They could look around in there
When I woke up the doctor
Was looking at my chart
I called his attention to me
With a fifteen minute fart
He said "Son I hate to tell you cause
I know you're not gonna like this
But they got a name for what you
Have and it's called ulcerative colitis

And in those seven syllables there's
A mess of shitty news
It's likely that you've had your
Last healthy feeling poos
It's like road rash on your colon
You'll bleed and it'll hurt
And no one knows what causes it
And there is no cure

And yeah your chances of cancer
Have gone up a bit
But colon cancer's curable if you
Keep your eye on it
But mostly what will piss you off
Is how you're gonna pay
I know you're not insured and
You'll probably stay that way

See insurance companies hate to deal
With sick folks like you
They don't like taking money from folks they
Might have to give it back to
And your pills are gonna cost you both
Your arms and at least one leg
I suggest you go to Canada and
Get on your knees and beg

Because here the costs are as high
As the market can bear
And they can bear a lot
Compared with soiled underwear"
I laid there on that bed and thought
How I used to like to poo
I thought maybe there was a mistake
How could this be true

I asked the doctor, pleading
Begging if he was really sure
And if he was how could it be
That there really was no cure
"The only cure we have, " he said
"is to take the whole thing out
And then to get your movements out
We install a little spout"
I told him that I'd rather take
A thousand thousand dollar pills
He agreed and sent me home
With some similar sounding bills
Now really all I've learned
Besides the importance of fiber
Is the health care system's more screwed up
Than a fifty year old Fred subscriber