Johnny Quality - Kalevala lyrics

In Kalevala the main man's
Name was Väinämöinen
His fame was growing in the
Creation of strange noises
He trained his voice mainly for
The sake of enjoyment
And sang poignant verses
Without gainful employment
Väinämöinen could spin a phrase in
A way that venerates
The first generation of men, in a wave
Of inspiration that creates a
Sense of inner faith
In the Finnish nation in the
Days when this sinful age
Of impatient whims begins to blaze
Like a burning house
And just like "murder will out"
His verbal clout
Was heard about through word of mouth
From up North down to dirty South


Now the young Joukahainen heard
Of Väinämöinen's fame and became jealous
Cause he was newly trained in
The same verbal games, and really
Who could blame him?
The fire of youth burned like
A blue flame in Joukahainen
Who decided to arrange a duel to attain an
Even greater name than Väinämöinen
Who was ancient
Joukahainen's parents rebuked and forbade him
To leave
But their pleas didn't do much to faze him
Joukahainen amazed them and brazenly boasted
"I know you both say that
It's crazy and hopeless
But hey I'm not afraid to get roasted
In this day and age the
Best way to get noticed
Is to take the most famous
Poet's name and expose it
As lame Väinämöinen's a vain
Inflated vocalist
So I'll take his inflated vocal
Vein and explode it
And someday I'll be praised
Celebrated and toasted"

And without wasting a moment
Joukahainen departed
For Kalevala, the home of Väinämöinen
His target and, far from feint hearted
For three days he charted
His way at a hard pace
And came to the unguarded
Gates of the garden of Kalevala at last
But he wasn’t paying attention to the road
And he crashed into Väinämöinen
Who was traveling on the same path
Like two locomotives head to
Head on train tracks
Before Joukahainen even had his strength back
Väinämöinen blasted him and gave him flack
And asked him for his name
And to explain the crash
And he answered plain
"I'm the young Joukahainen
And I heard there's a vacant headed
Gum-toothed vagrant with a reputation here
So I've come to defame him"

Väinämöinen remained cool in the face
Of these rude statements
Like a true statesman, and smoothly replied
"I'm in no mood to be crucified
For the sake of stupid pride, boy
So move aside" but Joukahainen viewed this
A shrewdly disguised
Attempt to neutralize his youthful stride
And he refused to buy it:
"Why should I move aside?
I suggest we duel to decide
Who can best utilize
Words, with verses verbally beautified
To decide the dispute
And let the loser move aside"
Väinämöinen sighed, "'Verbally beautified?'
You certain deserve to be verbally brutalized
Since you devised this war of words
To satisfy your thirst to divide orators
For sport all right, fine, you're first
Let’s see what you got"

Joukahainen's verse went like this:
"My knowledge is deep
I polish speech to demolish the weak
When I listen to politicians'
Policies I fall asleep all in all I'd rather
Follow an ecologist's lead
And listen to the swishin' of
Fish in the lawless seas
My vision is flawless
Even in the bottomless breach
I see what the walrus sees
And feed on mollusc meat
In the halls of seaweed
The narwhal acknowledges me
I perceive the raw qualities of all I can see
From the beak of the bald eagle at
The peak of the tallest tree
To the niche of the swallow
That swallows the smallest seed
It all follows the pull of
The dog-eat dog creed and if you can not
Compete then you're obsolete
So why not concede defeat and
Leave Kalevala to me?"
Väinämöinen scoffed, "These are all falsities
If your 'knowledge is deep'
Then it's hollow indeed
All I see is a wallow of bottomless greed
That colours your speech like a black shadow
As your words crash and rattle
You asked for this battle
So get off the path if that's
The last of your babble"
But Joukahainen hadn't traveled this
Far to get dismissed
And his next verse reflected
His desperate recklessness

He said
"I know you're locally respected – great
But it doesn't take much to
See you're just a fake like snow
I'm an avalanche you're just a flake
You get money like a church:
In a collection plate
I'm destined to get paid
While you're destined to beg
Like a drug-addicted veteran with
A prosthetic leg
Allow me to demonstrate why youth
Is better than age
I collect wages while your memories fade
Intellectually I gaze on unlimited space
While you're afraid and inhibited you
Live in a cave this place is too big for
You it's a pitiful waste
You should just give it away
And start diggin' a grave"

In the face of this insolent rage
Väinämöinen's
Patience and poise turned to plain annoyance
He said, "Trust me boy
Your lust for fame is poison
What's the point of making poems
When you can't enjoy them?
And what's the point of entertaining when
You've got the lame voice
Of a teenaged boy, who came to join in
The game just to make noise and be a pain
Showing an
Absolute disdain for the ancients, going in
The face of their ways and the
Dues paid and owing them?"
Now, Joukahainen was growing
Impatient and sour
From humiliation and shame
Cause he'd wasted his power
And been laid naked in the space of an hour
So he tried to save face with
The grace of a coward
"Okay, I don't have the tricks to
Match wit's with a lord
So I guess I'll just have to
Ask my fists for support
And strike a dissonant chord with
The tip of a sword!
Besides, violence is a more difficult sport
So keep your piss-poor lyrics cause
Now this is a war!"

But Väinämöinen had heard this before
And in spite of his magnanimous nature he
Couldn't stand to bite
His tongue, or dirty his hands in a fight
So his adrenaline ran, and he began to recite
Lu-e-kamme kasi katehen
Sormet sormien lomahan
And the land was transformed the
Lake covered with waves
Rocks cut away from cliffs as
They started to break
The sound made the ground
Beneath shudder and shake
And the mountains rumbled
As if under the plates
Lay a powerful thundercloud
With a stomachache
Joukahainen was afraid and he
Tried to run away
But he suddenly felt a heavy
Weight on his legs and in less than a minute
A lake fit for drinking
Became a gray swamp with dead fish in it
Stinking and in the end when
Väinämöinen was finished singing
Joukahainen found himself stuck in it
Sinking

Then his courage began shrinking
And caving in and he started whimpering
Thinking of nothing but saving his skin
As arrogant and brave as he'd
Been to begin with
Joukahainen now found he had
To placate his nemesis
Since he was in a quick-mud pit with limited
Options the stuff was too thick to swim in it
He said
"I may have been a bit of a rude bastard
Too fast to challenge the skills
Of a true master but, you have to forgive
Me I was enthusiastic
But all I wanted to do was be like you
That's it please, don't let drown in
This nasty ooze casket!"

And Väinämöinen laughed, "Ooh
That's too bad kid
But, you have to admit, you did ask for it
And now you're desperate
Beggin' me to set you free
I guess my question is, what's in it for me?"
And Joukahainen started offering up
Guns and tools
Horses and mules, plots of land
Money and jewels
As his body sank deeper under
The mud of the pool
But Väinämöinen wasn't moved by
These petty concessions
Cause he never had any use
For pretty new possessions
And Joukahainen knew he would
Never get assistance unless he was ready to
Give something really precious
As he felt the wet caresses of swamp water
On his neck
With his last breath he made a strong offer

He said
"My father was blessed with one daughter
And he taught her to cook
And clean and do chores
And I promise you, if you want her
She's yours i'm sure she'd rather marry you
Than see me a corpse just get me out of
This horrid green porridge!"
And Väinämöinen smiled, utterly delighted
And recited a verse
And Joukahainen glided out of the swamp
And alighted on the shore
And Väinämöinen warmly invited him to visit
Once he and the boy's sister were united

Joukahainen returned home
Ashamed and embarrassed
And announced to his parents
His sister's arranged marriage
And his sister complained
In badly-strained spirit's
Like, "Väinämöinen was old and
Had a strange appearance"
But Joukahainen's mother just
Congratulated her
For finding a man greater than
The saps who dated her she said
"Väinämöinen is famous and has
A way with words
And besides, look at your father and I
We made it work"
But Joukahainen’s sister did
Not marry Väinämöinen
She turned into a fish
But that’s another story