Nathan Lane, Roger Bart - Invocation and Instructions to the Audience lyrics

Gods of the theatre, smile on us

You who sit up there stern in judgment
Smile on us

You who look down on actors

And who doesn't?
Bless this yearly festival and smile on us

We offer you song and dance

We offer you rites and revels

We offer you grace and beauty
Smile on us for this while

Gods of the theatre, smile on us

You who sit up there stern in judgment
Smile on us

We offer you song and dance

We offer you rites and revels

We offer you gods and heroes

We offer you jokes and insults

We offer you paeans and pageants
Bacchanals and social comment
Bless our play and smile

We offer you bacchanals and social comment
Bless our play and smile

Yes, but first… some dos and don'ts
Mostly don'ts: Please don't cough
It tends to throw the actors off
Have some respect for Aristophanes
And please, don't cough

Don't say, "What?"
To every line you think you haven't got
And if you're in a snit
Because you've missed the plot
(Of which I must admit
There's not an awful lot) still, don't
Say -

What?

If you see flaws, please
Don't drop your jaws, please
No loud guffaws, please
When actors enter late

When there's a pause, please
Lots of applause, please
And we'd appreciate
You turning off your cell
Phones while we wait

Unbelievable

Unbelievable

I think it's you

Hello? This really isn't a good time i said
This really isn't - can you hear me
Now? Can you hear me now?

Don't go "Oh!"
Each time you see an actor that you know
And if you have to use the lounge below
Don't wait until we're halfway
Through the show
Especially if you're sitting in the
Middle of a row

No smokes, no chow

Unwrap the candy wrappers now

When we are waxing humorous
Please don't wane
The jokes are obscure, but numerous
We'll explain

When we are waxing serious try not to laugh

It starts when we get imperious
And if you're in doubt, don't query us
We'll signal you when we're serious

It's in the second half

Do not intrude, please
When someone's nude, please
She's there for mood, please
And mustn't be embraced

If we are crude, please
Don't come unglued, please
Let's not be too strait laced
The author's reputation wasn't based
On taste

So please, don't fart
There's very little air and this is art
And if you feel offended don't lose heart

That's what the man intended he was smart

When everything's up-ended we can all depart
And now but first -

We start