Ronny Graham, Jackie Mason, Mel Brooks - The Spanish Inquisition lyrics

INQUISITOR (spoken)
All pay heed! Now enters
His holiness Torquemada
The Grand Inquisitor of
The Spanish Inquisition!
Torquemada do not employ him for compassion
Torquemada do not beg him for forgiveness
Torquemada do not ask him for mercy
Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything!

TORQUEMADA (spoken)
Let all those who wish to confess their
Evil ways and accept and embrace the
True church convert now or forever burn in
Hell for now begins the Inquisition! (sung)
The Inquisition (Let's begin)
The Inquisition (Look out, sin)
We have a mission to convert the Jews

We're gonna teach them (Wrong from right)
We're gonna help them (See the light)
And make an offer that they can't refuse
(that the Jews just can't refuse)

Confess! Don't be boring!
Say yes! Don't be dull!

A fact you're ignoring
It's better to lose your skullcap
Than your skull!

JEWS oye gevalt!

TORQUEMADA the Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you're wishing that we go away
But the Inquisition's here and
It's here to stay (The Inquisition, oh boy!
The Inquisition, what a joy!
The Inquisition, oy, oy) jEW #1
I was sitting in a temple
I was minding my own business
I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass

Then these Papist persons plunging
And they throw me in a dungeon
And they shoved a red hot poker up my ass!

Is that considerate? Is that polite?
And not a tube of Preparation H in sight

JEW #2 i'm sittin' flickin' chickens
And I'm lookin' through the pickins'
And suddenly these goys start
Breaking down my walls

I didn't even know them
And they grabbed me by the scrotum
And they started playing ping-pong
With my balls!

Oy, the agony! Ooh, the shame!
They make my privates public for a game?
TORQUEMADA the Inquisition (What a show)
The Inquisition (Here we go)
We know you're wishing that we go away
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to

EXECUTIONERS hey Torquemada, whaddaya say?

TORQUEMADA
I just got back from the auto da-fé

EXECUTIONERS
Auto da-fé? What's an auto da-fé?

TORQUEMADA it's what you oughtn't to do
But you do anyway

Skit-skat-voodly-vat doodly day!

Will you convert? (No, no, no, no)
Will you confess? (No, no, no, no)
Will you revert? (No, no, no, no)
Will you say yes? (No, no, no, no)

Now I asked in a nice way
I said pretty please i bent their ears
Now I'll work on their knees!

Dance Break

INQUISITORS hey Torquemada, walk this way
We gotta little game that you
Might wanna to play
So pull that handle try your luck!

INQUISITOR (spoken)
Who knows, Torque you might win a buck!

TORQUEMADA (spoken)
All right!

TORQUEMADA (spoken)
Put it in the car

INQUISITOR (spoken)
In the car

INQUISITOR (spoken)
In the car

TORQUEMADA how we doing? Any converts today?

EXECUTIONERS not a one! Nay, nay, nay!

TORQUEMADA we've flattened their fingers
We've branded their buns nothing is working!
Send in the nuns!

TORQUEMADA and COMPANY
The Inquisition, what a show!
The Inquisition, here we go!
We know you're wishin' that we go away
So come on, you Muslims and you Jews
We got big news for all of youse
You better change your point of views today
'cause the Inquisition's here and
It's here to stay!