Songs For The Young At Heart, Jarvis Cocker - The Lion and Albert lyrics

There's a famous seaside
Place called Blackpool
That's noted for fresh air and fun
And Mr and Mrs ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best, quite a swell
He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves they were thiddlin' and small
There were no wrecks and nobody drowned
'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all!
So, seeking for further amusement
They paid, and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels
And old ale and sandwiches, too

There was one great big lion called Wallace
His nose was all covered with scars
He lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of 'is face on the bars

Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions
'Ow they was ferocious and wild
To see lion lyin' so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child

So straight away, the brave little feller
Not showin' a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear

You could see that the lion din't like it
For givin' a kind of a roll
'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallered the little lad whole!

An' Pa, who 'ad seen this occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother, yon lion's et Albert!"
An' Mother said, "Oo, I am vexed"
So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the animal keeper
That the lion had eaten their son!

An' the keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad 'e's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager 'ad to be sent for
'E came and 'e said "What's to do?"
Pa said "Yon lion's et Albert
And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!"

Then mother said "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
To 'ave our son eat by a lion
And after we paid to come in"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
An' he said, "'Ow much to settle the matter?"
An' Pa said, "What d'you usually pay?"

But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward
When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone
She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!"
So that was decided upon
Round they went to police station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what 'ad 'appened to Albert
And proved it by showing 'is cap

The Magistrate gave 'is opinion
That no one was really to blame
And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name

At that Mother got proper blazin'
"And thank you, sir, kindly, " said she
"What, waste all our lives raisin' children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"