The Dead Milkmen - Cousin Earl lyrics

Now, you wanna talk about bladder problems
Then the man you wanna talk to will probably
Be my cousin Earl i guess you all
Know Earl he lives out on Route 13 out
On that maggot farm earl don't like
It when you get his maggot
Farm confused with a
Worm farm a worm farm is for worms, and a
Maggot farm is for maggots
And Earl's got the biggest
Maggots in the state three
Feet long of course
Now Earl believes this might be due
To the fact that St
Smithen's Medical Facility has been dumping
Their waste on his property
Interesting thing about three-foot maggots
Is that that
Well, one day the china disappeared, and
Then the next day his television disappeared
And then a few days after that


His '57 Chevy disappeared but there they
Are: the world's biggest maggots

Anyway, one day, Earl and I were standin' in
The kitchen, giant maggots crawlin'
Across the floor, and
Earl turns to me, and he says, "Do you
Ever go to make a pork sausage
And find that it's got hairs all
Over it?" and he gives
Me a look that still chills me to this day

Now, Earl's got a son, and they call him
Earl Junior, which I think is pretty clever
Since he is Earl's son he's not really a
Normal boy ever since that tractor accident
Anyway, he ran up $5, 000 worth of "976-"
Phone bills he called
Weird, unnatural numbers
Like "976-PIGG" with two
G's, and "976-SHEEP", which has
Five letters in it, i
Know he's a sick boy
Earl suggested that, well
Maybe I talk to him

So I went into his bedroom, and I sat him
Down, but before I could say a word
Earl Junior looked at me, and he said, "Didja
Ever go to make a pork sausage
And find it's got hairs all
Over it?" And he gave
Me a look that still chills me to this day

Now, Earl's got a daughter
And they call her Effie-Sue and
Effie-Sue, she don't look so much
Like a little girl
As she looks like a a big pile of fungus
Earl blames this, too
On the fact that St smithen's Medical
Facility has been dumpin' on
His maggot farm and, I never had much
Contact with Essie effie-Sue excuse me
I don't even think that much
Of her to get her
Name right i never had much contact with her
She just normally just sit's on
The couch like a
Little ball of fungus and just boils away
Well, one day, she looked at me
And that little ball of
Fungus opened it's mouth
(or what I guess was it's mouth - I'd hate
To think what else it could be)
And out of that orifice floated the words
"Didja ever go to make a a
Pork sausage and find it's got
Hair all over it?"
And then that that little pile
Of fungus gave me
A look that chills me to this day

Now, Earl's got a wife, and we call
Her wife we don't know her name
Because she's never really said that much
For the longest time we thought she
Could only say two words, which
Were "dog" and "pussy" We thought
That meant "dog" and "cat", but then
We found out that what she was
Really trying to say was "dog-pussy"
One big hyphenated word which doesn't
Come up much in conversation
Especially amongst Baptists we
Never heard her say anything other than that
You know, she works down at down at
St smithen's Medical Facility
And Pork Sausage Distillery, got a
Good paying job there
Although she only does say those
Well that one word

And we have heard her say another thing once
But that was a long time ago we were
Sittin' around the house and she looked
At me, and she said
"Do you ever go to make a pork
Sausage, and find that it's got
Hairs growin' all over it?"
And she gave me a look that
Chills me to this day

Now, one day
Earl took his whole family fishin'
Down in Miller's Creek he
Took his wife, who could only say
"dog-pussy" he took his son, earl Junior
Who took the day off from
Calling "976-" barnyard numbers and
He took that little that little
Ball of fungus daughter, Effie-Sue
Of his along with him they all got in
A little boat and they started fishing
Now St smithen's Medical Facility
And Pork Sausage Distillery
Has been known to dump their stuff
Into Miller's Creek all sorts
Of heinous stuff
Big barrels floatin' in the creek
With little things on them that say "St
Smithen's Medical Facility and Pork Sausage
Distillery" anyway, Earl was fishing
And he caught a wall-eyed bass which had
Twenty-seven eyes on it it
Was a twenty-seven-eyed wall-eyed
Bass earl looked at it
And decided, "M-m-m-m
Wouldn't this be good to eat!" So he took
Out his knife to cut it open
But that fish looked up at
Him, and it said, "Please
Mister! Please, don't eat me!"
And Earl said, "But
I'm hungry! I'm hungry! I work on a
Maggot farm! My wife can only say
'dog-pussy'! My daughter is a
Pile of fungus! My
Son spent all of his college money calling
'976-' numbers! I have to eat you!" and that
Fish said, "Please, don't eat me, mister
Please,!" And he said "I have to! I have to!"

So the fish said, "Alright then, if
You're gonna cut me open
Let me ask you one question: Didja
Ever go to eat a
Pork sausage and find it's got
Hairs growin' all over
It?" And then all twenty-seven eyes
Stared back at Earl
And they stared back at his wife
Who could only say "dog-pussy"
And they stared
Back at his weird "976-" animal-calling son
And they stared back at that
Little pile of pus that
Passes for Earl's daughter and
They gave them a
Look! All twenty-seven eyes gave them
A look! A look that they will not forget
Until this very day! Oh, man!