​brentalfloss - If There Ever Were a Species for Whom Sex Hurt lyrics

If there ever were a species
For whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
Now, the tomcat's penis, well
It's barbed like a cactus
But the screams are just for show

And when a bed bug is matin', well
He stabs her while he's batin'
And inseminates the open wound
Now I've never had sex with an actual person
But, I sure hope I find one soon

I don't know much about evolution
And I don't know much about girls
Just my dog, my god
My gun and a bottle o' Bud
I also don't know much about anatomy
And I haven't seen much of the world
But, I kinda figure sex feels like wrasslin'
With a pig in the mud at least I hope so
But, if there ever were a
Species for whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
When praying mantises are bedded, well
The male gets beheaded
But, II'm sure he likes it, though

And when a squirrel in his hut finds
A girl and busts a nut
Well, he kinda sorta glues her shut
(What?) Look it up!
I've never left the Carolinas
Never seen a real vagina
I, I assume it's just like
A tiny little butt, right?

But, if there ever were a
Species for whom sex hurt
It surely went extinct long ago
I don't go to the dentist
And I don't know what consent is
But there's always room to grow
And if there's a situation where
The act of copulation
Would be anything but rip-roarin' fun
Maybe somethin' could persuade me if'n
I could just get laid
Before I turn seventy-one next year!
Before I turn seventy-one i'm old!
And I do not understand sex nope