Bo Burnham - Andy The Frog lyrics

Walking between the microphones
Is really awkward

Tell me about it!

Women are stupid! Shut up!
You know it, I know it
That they're the weaker
Dumber sex i can prove it to you
I like to practice safe sex, why?
'Cause, I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously
What do women say, with their small brains
Every time
I put on a condom? What do they say
Every time?
"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm
Fucking you with a strap on?"
"To be safe, bitch!"
Right? They're the- They're the stupid ones
I think it's time for a story
Let's do a story

It's time for a story, it's time for a story
A very special story especially for you
It's time for a story, it's time for a story!
Sit down and listen, now don't be a Jew

This story is-
It was a glitch, you can be Jewish
This story is called "Andy the Frog"
Featuring long and convoluted similes
Now I’ll warn you when one of those long
And convoluted similes rears
It's old figurative head so here we go
Once upon a time, there was a frog named Andy
Andy lived at the Patten Park Pond and had
Never hopped anywhere else his
Entire frog life he had 3 best friends
Millie- who never left her lily pad
Billie- who was always hopping mad
And Roger- who was arrested for
Possession of tadpole porn so one day
Andy saw something hop across the grass on
The other side of the pond!
"Millie, Billie, Roger, look!" said Andy
Across the pond stood the most beautiful
Frog that Andy had ever seen
"She's gorgeous!" said Millie
"She's beautiful!" said Billie
"BIT OLD FOR MY TASTE" said Roger
(Classic Roger) and then she was gone
"I need to go find her, " said Andy
"I need to follow my little frog heart"
So Andy followed the beautiful frog's
Footsteps into the forest
He then came across a turtle
"You can't pass!" said the turtle
"Please?" said Andy "NO" said the turtle
(and uh, this is the first long
Convoluted simile)
Then, there was a rustling in the bushes
And like a man
Who had been shot in the chest with a rifle
The turtle was shot in the chest with a rifle
Andy kept moving, but at this point, like
The doctor of a Kenyan track team
His patience ran thin andy kept moving
He then came across a giant crocodile
And the crocodile began to chant:
"I woke up this morning and I sat on a log
I opened up the menu and the menu said frog!"
Andy said, "NO! No, please, let go of
Me, I can feel myself dying
You're ripping up
My insides, I'm never gonna find her am
I, there's no god is there, fuck, fuck!"
The End (If you're curious the moral of that
Story is irrelevant because we're humans
And it was about a why would it apply to us?)