Bo Burnham - Country Song lyrics

Boy, oh boy any big fans
Of country music out there? Applause
Yeah! Ooh, some people extending
My name, "Boo", that's also approval! I I
Think- I think country
Music Get's a bad- Get's a bad
Rep, you know? Why is it
When Bruce Springsteen sings about a-
When Bruce Springsteen sings about a
Fuckin' turnpike, it is art
And then when someone sings about a
Horse, it's dumb, inherently? I don't know
I think some of the greatest
Song writers of all time are country
Artists: Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson
You know? And if you're writing honestly
That is art! And I would never bash
That! Um, the problem is, with a
Lot of modern country music
Wha- what is called "Stadium Country Music"
Sort of Keith Urban Brand of Country music
Is that it is not honest
It is the exact opposite of honest
Country music starts playing and Bo
Speaks in a faux-country accent
Where instead of people actually
Telling their stories, you got a bunch of
Millionaire metrosexuals who've never
Done a hard days work in their life
But they figured out the words and the
Phrases they can use to pander
To their audience
And they list the same words and phrases
Off sort of mad libs style in every song
Raking in millions of dollars from
Actual working class people!
You know the words, you know the phrases
Phrases like -

A dirt road, a cold beer
A blue jeans, a red pickup
A rural noun, simple adjective
No shoes, no shirt
No Jews, you didn't hear that
Sort of a mental typo

I walk and talk like a field hand
But the boots I'm wearing cost three grand
I write songs about riding tractors
From the comfort of a private jet

I could sing in Mandarin
You'd still know I'm pandering
Huntin' deer and chasing trout
A Bud Light with the logo facing out
Hear that subtle mandolin
That's textbook panderin'
I own a private ranch that I rarely use
I don't like dirt

One verse, one chorus in the bag
Now it's time to talk to the ladies
I'm hoping my Southern charm offsets all
These rape-y vibes I'm puttin' out

Good girl in a straw hat
With her arms out in a corn field
That is a scarecrow
Thought that was a human woman, sorry
A cold night, a cold beer
A cold jeans, strike that last one
I'm wanting you, I hope you're feeling me
Sub-textually

We go to bed, you doze off
So I take your country girl clothes off
I put my hands on your body
It feels like hay
It's a fucking scarecrow again

Like Mike’s Evander-ing
Fuck your ears, I'm pandering
I write songs for the people who do
Jobs in the towns that I'd never move to
Legalize gerry mandering
Tolerate my pandering
You got a beautiful mouth i got a beautiful–
Y'all dumb motherfuckers want a key change?

Thematically meandering
Emphatically pandering
I got a tight grip on my demo's balls
Say the word "truck
" they jizz in their overalls
You don't know what land you're in
I'm in the land of pandering
And I'll be upfront
I do what I do 'cause I'm
A total fuckin' country boy