Bo Burnham - I Fuck Sluts lyrics

Thank you for all being here on a Friday
I know there's lots of places you can
Be on a Friday
So I appreciate you taking the time
To be with me, it does truly mean a lot
I would like to, erm, do a, uh
Love poem right
Now, since it's sort of early in the show
Um
I warn you, it is sappy and romantic so, um
I'll get it out of the way now and then I'll
Go back to the, uh
The dirty stuff that everyone
Loves or whatever
Um, okay, it's called "I Fuck Sluts"

Sluts! Sluts!
(It's not a role call, but thank you)
Sluts, I fuck sluts
Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts
No ifs and’s, and or buts i fuck sluts
I fuck sluts nice girls are nice but
No good for nut-sucking
They'll need a serene night to
Green-light a butt fucking
But that'll be easy with
Sleazy old slut fucking
Boo to the nice girls praise
Be to slut fucking!

I have a list a list?
Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed
I've never fucked or sucked these sluts
And thus my nuts are fucking pissed
So, when I fuck the lucky slut my
Nut removes her from the list
Another dumb cum-bucket struck from
My nut sucking
Suck it slut, slut fucking bucket-list

Yes, you hear the influences, Chaucer
- The pages are blank
I know it why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink
Or almond they can be skinny with big tit's
Or be skinny with small ones
Sluts can be perky, preppy or posh
With their brains and their clothes
All shrunk from the wash (Excuse me)

CD people are confused

But other sluts are pretty
And funny and smart
These sluts can lift all your thoughts
From your dick to your heart
They can talk about science, music, or art
They can put you together or
They can pull you apart
But don't trust these sluts, don't
Don't you dare
They'll force you to trust them
And love them and care
And then they'll be gone and
Then you'll be aware
Of that hole in your heart that
That dumb slut left there

Thank you very much so, you see
He was lashing out with
Sexist language because he
Had his heart broken we all learned something
Um, I know that that bit in particular was a
Little bit dense, a little
Bit hard to follow, and I want
To be able to do something
That's easier to follow, and
You can probably get it in the first listen
So I want to do a slower joke for you
Here's a slow joke: (In slow-motion)
What did the ear of corn say
When it's clothes fell off? "Aw, shucks!"
Get it? Like "shucks" as in shucking corn
And also "shucks" the exclamation?
Am I right?

Something for everybody
Um, my father recently told me that I act
Too gay on stage, and I said
"Really dad? Prove it!"

For those of you listening, I threw confetti
Flamboyantly

He said
"What about that joke where you throw
Confetti at the end of it?"
I said, "I haven't written that joke yet
Cause it's based off of
This conversation! Gotcha!"