Bo Burnham - Love Is... lyrics

Uhm, so this next song is about love
Appropriately

I love you like kings love queens
Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes
I need you like New Orleans needs a drought
Like Hitler's father needed to
Learn to pull out

And I want you, yeah
Like a lawyer-slash mathematician wants
Some kind of proof and I want you, yeah
Like JFK wanted a car with a roof

Because love is taking that dive
Then getting really comfortable and
Peeing in the pool
And love is a real-life porn
Minus all the stuff that makes porn cool

And love is a homeless guy
Searching for treasure in the middle
Of the rain and finding a bag of gold
Coins and slowly finding
Out they're all filled with chocolate and
Even though he's heartbroken
He can't complain cause he was
Hungry in the first place

Because I love you like Dora loves maps
Like the Pope's toilet loves holy craps
(Just's a little one)
I need you like a voyeur needs a branch
Like boys tossing salad need a
Little bit of Neverland Ranch

And I want you, yeah
Like all the gothic kids that look exactly
The same never want to conform
And I want you like Anne Frank wanted
Nobody to read her fucking diary
Cause a diary is a collection of secret
Things that no one's supposed to read
That's the whole point of a diary millions
Of people that breached this little
Girl's privacy after she was chased by
Nazis kick her while she's down

And if we met in 10, 000 BC
I was your caveman, you's my cavelady

If we got hot, we'd start rubbing
If we got hungry, we'd go clubbing
There's woolly mammoths
But I will protect us
You're making me devolve to a homo erectus
Mothafucker

And if we met in 1780 i was a white southern
Aristocratic plantation owner
And you were my
Dark-skinned servant ladyslave
Whenever I could get away from the missus
I go to your shed and
Then I'd steal you kisses
But let's be serious, I'd still work
You full-time as a slave
There's a difference between
Romantic language and
A complete disregard for
Socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941
I was a Nazi, you's a Gypsy on the run
(That's a little redundant)
That probably wouldn't have worked out

Because love is your favorite food
For every breakfast, lunch, and dinner
And love is the Holocaust
'cept you don't die quick and
You don't get thinner
And love is being the owner of
The company that makes rape whistles
And even though you started
The company with good
Intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape
Now you don't want to reduce it at
All cause if the rape rate declines
You'll see an equal decline in whistle sales
Without rapists
Who's gonna buy your whistles?
Yeah, love is all about whistles thank you

Uh, that one was a bit
Vulgar, but uh, you know, dicks and vaginas
Are sorta like Coke and Pepsi, you
Know? Ah, I strongly prefer one
But my dad thinks they taste the same