Bo Burnham - Rehab Center for Fictional Characters lyrics

Uh well, hello everyone!
Welcome to the Rehab Center
For Fictional Characters um, alright
Let's just get right to it
Who wants to start us off?
How 'bout you Kris?

Um, alright hey, I'm Kris Kringle
I'm a sex addict

Hey I'm Santa Claus, I'm the king of snow
I hate my wife because she's a ho, ho, ho
She used to please, me every day
Then she made it clear
That Santa's only supposed to
Come once a year fuckin' bitch
Now I buy whores, rock and roll
And I stuff their stockings
With my north pole

Okay Kris, thank you!
Alright, who's up next?
Patrick, frowny face! Get up here

Alright
I'm Patrick O'Reilly, I'm a leprechaun
You all doin' good?
Yeah, I'm not doing so good
I had a wonderful life
With a healthy household and beautiful wife
And a pot full of gold hah
Then my wife spent my riches all by
Herself, and since women are bitches
Blew a Keebler elf ugh
Now I drink all day and a part of me dies
'Cause my wife's gettin' gang banged
By the Rice Krispie guys

Hey I know them!

Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up
Where were you last week?

I had some stuff hey, I'm Tony the Tiger
Uh, fuck it i'll just sing

Every day I wake up, I get to work late
My boss says, "Hey, whats up?"
I say that I'm grrrrrrrrowing
Tired of this shit the kids they laugh
'cause I'm a sensitive cat "Big pussy!"
I can't argue with that
If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes
I swear on my life I'll eat his parents

Okay, Ton, thank you um, so that's everybody
So let's just get down to it, um
Oh, who are you?

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah
I'm the Easter Bunny, hey I'm back!
Used to be funny, now I'm hooked on crack
Heaps of heroine ain't no joke
Marshmallow Peeps covered
In coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke-coke
COKE! Drugs for life, that's my plan
But now I have no attention span

Okay, I'm gonna go get him, alright?
You guys, just please, play nice, alright?
I'll be back in a second, okay?

Hey Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick
I think they got herpes from some Irish chick

Motherfucker what are you laughin' at, Tony?

I dunno it's, uh
It's funny

This is gettin' ridiculous
Santa, Tony, would you guys please, stop?

Oh, snap!

Crackle and Pop
Haha, 'cause they banged your wife

I'm gettin' out of here
This is fucking ridiculous, huh