Bo Burnham - ​One Man Shows lyrics

I'm 19 years old, I'm a young comedian
I hate that term, "young comedian", you know
I prefer "prodigy"
And people, they pigeonhole me as a comic
You know, which is so disingenuous
Cause I'm not a comic, i'm an artist
And I don't do comedy shows
I do one man shows
And I've been doing them, uh
1998 was actually my first one man show
It was a show about Jews in Nazi
Germany called Under the Floor Boards
I'll do a scene from that, uh, right now
No no no watch and then judge
This is a scene from Under the Floor Boards
"Hey, shh"

And then '99
'99, I did a show called The Catholic Orgasm
I'll do a scene from that (Moaning)
(Sobbing)

2000, I did a piece
Called The Inappropriate Musician
I'll do a scene from that "Mike
Mike, back off the ledge, Mike, th-
Mike, think about your kids
Do you want them to grow
Up without a father, is that what you want
Mike?! Mi-
Please listen to me, I'm your friend
No, Mike, don't jump! No, Mike, no!
(Slide whistle down, Slide whistle up)
"He's saved" 2001, I did John Steinbeck's
The Grapes of Wrath
Except I adapted it into a story about an
Intergalactic sexual predator called The
Rapes of Grath

2002, I did a piece
If you're familiar with The Elephant Man
I did a piece based off
That called Bulldog Man
(Voice cracks when he says "man")
Oh, also known as Bulldog Man
(Says "man" properly) for those
Who hit puberty and I uh
I'll do a monologue from that right now
(Silence, Laughter)
For those listening on the CD
I kind of look like a bulldog

2003, 4? 3 doesn't matter, I'm lying 2000-
2004, I did a piece called Sméagol
From Lord of
The Rings, Having Sex with a Black Chick
I'll do that (Moaning as Sméagol)
"Precious"
I actually got a Danza nomination for that
It was right after the Tony's

2000, uh, 5
2005, if I could get a blackout for this, I
Did a piece called Charlie
Brown Getting Molested
So if we could blackout right now "Hello?
Is anybody here?"
(Unintelligible trombone noises a
La Peanuts cartoon)
"What the fuck are you doing?! Let go of me!"
(Unintelligible trombone noises)
"Good grief"
So, 2000, uh, bring the lights up 2007
2007, I did a piece
Called The Juggler's Wife
I'll do a scene from that "Please
Stop JUGGLING!"

2008, I did a
Bit of a controversial piece because I
Played a slave in the 1780's
But I didn't wear make-up
Cause, I feel as, you know, an artist
I'm qualified to tell any story, and uh
It was a piece called Whiplashes and
This was the climactic scene
It is hard, raw art, so
If you're adverse to that
You might want to look away but this is, um
The climactic scene from Whiplashes and
I hope you enjoy it
"You'll have to answer to God for this"
(Whip crack) "Ow
Ow ow
Ow ow
Ow ow
Ow you're a dick"

And then, uh, 2000-
9, which is the last year before
The piece I'm doing currently
I did a piece called, it's
A very emotional piece
It means a lot to me so
Forgive me if I break down
But this is a, uh
A scene from it and the piece was
Called A Boy and His Dog
"Get out of here, alright?
Go, I can't afford to keep you anymore
I just i can't, it's too
Please don't make this harder than
It has to be, i
I hate you
Is that what you need to hear from me?
Alright, I hate you i hate you!
It's not just me my dog hates Mexicans too"