Bo Burnham - ​Theoretical Dick Jokes / Statistics lyrics

I wanted to be a physicist
When I was younger
And I wanted to also be a comedian but
Only one of those sort of worked out, so
I'd like to try to do both, though
Now in a bit that I call "Theoretical
Dick Jokes" It goes like this:

My penis is so small that I have trouble
Finding it cause it's so
Greatly influenced by
One mechanical fluctuation in the
Fabric of space-time and
When I'm having intercourse with a woman
She can only know where my penis is or how
Fast it's moving because it's
Small enough and
Light enough to be fully-governed
By the Heisenberg uncertainty
Principle "I've got an eating disorder" yeah
More like nutritional entropy so

I never said it was funny
So stop staring at me

Segues are weird

How old is too old to stop believing
In like the Tooth Fairy? like twelve?

I have a cousin who is eighteen
Yeah still believes in gay marriage

I know what you guys are thinking: "Oh, Bo
You tackle such taboo subjects you
Know is there anything off-limit's
Anything you don't find funny anything
That you think is
Too sacred to laugh at?" And, the truth is
There is:

White people

I think we've been through enough

I find numbers to be fascinating
And, more specifically than numbers
I find statistics soenlightening you
Know thought-provoking even so
I've gathered some here
And these are all 100% true when you leave
This theatre and enter the
World devoid of art
You can check these, and they will come
Back because they are true so
I don't want to blow your mind
Or anything but maybe you'll hear
One of these and go
"Whoa, I never thought of
That!" You know? So
These are my statistics:

Approximately 3333% of the Jonas
Brothers have diabetes

One in every four kids with the
Initials ADD actually has it, and
Four out of four kids with the
Initials ADHD has an annoying
Self-righteous mother who wouldn't just
Shut the fuck
Up and take her husband's last name

Here's a fun one one of every fourty-four US
Presidents can dunk it's
Fucking Millard Filmoore, you racists
The average child of Sarah
Palin has 462 chromosomes

Can't get angry at the numbers
You know what I mean?

Here's a really interesting one the average
Person has one fallopian tube

20% of the Jackson Fivetoo soon

The average penis length is 5-and-a
Half inches, and finally
The average penis length of a man who Googles
"average penis length" is 3-and-a half inches