Bo Burnham - ​Traditional Stand-Up lyrics

We got a little serious
There I think "fisting"
Should be called "upper-cunting"
And we're back

Do you guys like impressions?

(yeah)

Why?

That was Socrates

Older traditional stand-up comics sometimes
Have problems with me
Because they think I use
Music and other stuff
And they think I'm a gimmick
I'm a hack, you know, i'm a gimmick comic
And they're such comedy purists
They don't think my comedy can
Stand on it's own
But the truth is, I'm a comedy purist, too
So I can do comedy without gimmicks
I'll show you that right now
What do you call a kid with
No arms and an eye patch? Names!
For those listening on the CD
I just gave birth to a dove

I love traditional stand-up comedy
Don't get me wrong i love it i'm a huge
Fan of traditional stand-up comics
A lot of them are my heroes
And I want to be a traditional stand-up comic
And I've been working on some
Traditional stand-up material and
It's in it's infancy so
Please, bare with me, go easy
But this is a bit of my traditional stand-up
(pause)

My wife, right?

We never have sex! Like
Ever which is really funny

Something else - I never know
What she's saying! She'll
Say something and I'll be
Like, "PFT" You know
She's constantly emasculating me and I'm
Making her resent herself
For getting older so we're
Looking into a divorce

-and, you know
Something else that's really funny:
She can't drive!
The only think she can drive
Is DRIVE ME CRAZY and when she
Back talks I hit her