Shane Koyczan - Heaven, or Whatever lyrics

"You can't just do whatever"

The words stumbled out of you
Like a drunk leaving a bar looking
For a fresh new last call

You were not a man of words
But did your best to offer advice
You offered me "You can't just do whatever"
And I know what you meant
You meant that whatever I choose to do
I must not be aimless
I must not simply spin this globe and
Go wherever I stick my finger
Because 71% of the time I will
End up in the ocean
And if I do end up in the
Ocean I can't just do whatever
Better learn to swim
"You can't just do whatever"



The conversation came after you
Asked me about heaven
Told me that you thought heaven would
Be specific to each person
And that each person would have
Their own version of it
Then asked me what mine would be

I was so scared to tell you
"I don't have one"
But, you nodded your head
As if confirming a suspicion that school
Had robbed me of a belief in some stories
You said
"you don't have to beleive what I believe
It's enough to be good be good"

I will

I will think about your heaven
Your heaven would be the same haircut
Forever
It would be a stick a dog and some distance
A lawn that always needs mowing
A six pack of pilsner short bottles
And your real teeth back
Because your dentures could never
Master that bottle
Opening trick you loved to do
The first time you tried it with dentures
I had nightmares for a month
Because I though your mouth had fallen off
Your heaven, would be Austria before the war
And Canada after you met grandma
It would be head cheese
Sandwiches and blood sausages
Other deli meats that would ensure you would
Never ever have to entertain dinner guests
And I would never be in danger
Of having my lunch stolen

Your heaven, would be a stash of raisins
Problems that you could fix with your hands
I remember you tried to fix
Everything with your hands
I remember the difficult days
I remember the bandages
They looked like tiny blankets
As if your knuckles had all gone off to bed
Walls that looked like they'd said something
To get under your skin
And where suddenly made to pay for it

I know you were an angry man
Finger tips like spent shotgun shells
Bleeding smoke cocktails of gunpowder
And singed plastic
You had what some people would call
"a temper"

But, you loved a good joke
Even if it was on you
Something that would crack open
The walls of your
Chest and let the wind tickle your heart
Just enough to let you know
It was still there
You didn't always laugh, didn't always smile

You did keep a mental ledger of what
You called your "send flowers list"
I remember thinking it was a thank you
To those who got you good
But learned the truth after
My grandmother added a
Thin layer of sand to your sandwiches
Because you refused to make your
Own lunch for work

You told me about it when you picked
Me up from school that day
You said "Grandma just made
The send flowers list"
And I asked "Because you love her so much?"
And you said "Because I'm gonna kill her"

Of course you didn't
Your version of kill meant
Two months before winter
Having a seamstress take in each of
Her coats a few inches
So on the first day she need one
She fumbled with the sudden tightness
And you stood there smiling then said "Honey
I love you no matter how big you get"

She did not laugh

And managed to staple your smile
Back into a straight face
When she told all of your
Friends at work that
You had to move into the spare room
Because you couldn't stop farting at night

You often asked me "If I had a heaven
What would it be like?"
And I told you that for
Such a small word, if
Is just too big to wrap my belief around
I would not bend to the hypothetical

But wish now that I would've
Even if it was just to ease
Your mind in the belief
That I could be headed to that
Other place you believed in
I would tell you now how my heaven is here

It was here, in the gentle warfare of
Your relationship with Grandma
Where volleys were traded back and forth
Like hockey cards between children who didn't
Care what the stats meant

My heaven would have been someone
In grade five finally
Willing to trade me their fruit roll up
For my tin of sardines

My hell was wondering "why?" Why would
You give me sardines for lunch

My heaven would make you laugh
Cause, I get the feeling you didn't
Get to do that very much through my hell
Through the night terrors and bloody noses
Through the eyes black, bruised
Back, sneak attack
Nap sack and winter coat hijacks
You did your best to seal up the cracks
In my armour and made my heaven here

I would have loved to have
Made you laugh more
To make your send flowers list just once
So I offer you now my if

If there is a heaven
Mine would have a post office
And I could send letters to yours
The first letter would read

"Hell's not so bad
They pretty much let you do whatever"