Tim Minchin - Five Poofs and Two Pianos lyrics

Obviously I don't want to
Infer that being invited
Onto Friday night with Wossy
Isn't wonderfully affirming
And I know I oughta
Appreciate the risk you took the
Bookers who agreed to book
A chap who tends to talk about the
Kind of things that get the BBC in hot water
And I don't wanna seem greedy
I'm just saying
I'd like to be here every week if that's okay
And if you'll hear me out
I think I've got a way in which
We could do it pretty easily
You can leave all the boring details to me
It's a brilliant idea
A truly original concept
No one in Britain has ever
Done anything like it, yeah
Picture this! Imagine if we had



Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a wicked idea
Why settle for a quartet of queers
When there's a possibility of
A penta-poofter-piano-posse here?
Five poofs and two pianos yeah! It'll be ace
A hundred percent more pianos
And twenty-five percent more gays

I know, I know, I've seen the problem too
There's a rumour I am straight - it's true
It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent
As Wossy himself, or Fiddy Cent
But, I've already thought it through
You know there's preachers in America
Who reckon they can do
Sexuality conversions, I've heard them assert
They can cure a man of trouser love
And turn him on to skirt
Well I don't see why they couldn't
Pull the same trick in reverse and we'd have

Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a revolution
And probably the best solution
To the problem you're
Inevitably having with an even
Number of homosexuals

Yes I know your producers might suspect
That the license paying public will object
To the corporation having yet
Another homosexual to pay
The Daily Mail will bring the big guns out
Jan Moir will be frothing at the mouth
Writing further brilliant stuff about
The myth of being both happy and gay

But all that moral indignation
Will disappear when they see
Those four lovely guys and me
Singing in perfect harmony
And all those angry letter writers
Like 'Disgusted from the Isle of Wight' and
'Mad from Hull' and 'Outraged from Leeds'
And 'Slightly Annoyed from Berwick-on Tweed'
Will instantly change their tune
They'll be bleeding heart liberals
By Saturday noon
They'll be giving their grandchildren
Up for adoption in the hope that a gay
Married couple will adopt them
They'll be putting rainbow stickers
On their cars and cutting holes in the arse
Of their leather strides
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five guys!
Watching two pianos and five
One-two-three-four-

Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a wicked idea
Why settle for a quartet of queers
When there's a possibility of
A penta-poofter-piano-posse here?
Five poofs and two pianos yeah! It'll be ace
A hundred percent more pianos
And twenty-five percent more gays

I know, I know, I've seen the problem too
There's a rumour I am straight - it's true
It hurts to admit it, but I'm about as bent
As Wossy himself, or Fiddy Cent
But, I've already thought it through
You know there's preachers in America
Who reckon they can do
Sexuality conversions, I've heard them assert
They can cure a man of trouser love
And turn him on to skirt
Well I don't see why they couldn't
Pull the same trick in reverse and we'd have

Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It's a revolution
And probably the best solution
To the problem you're
Inevitably having with an even
Number of homosexuals
Five poofs and two pianos
Yeah! It'll be grand
You can never have too many pianos
Or too much man five poofs and two pianos
Maybe we can out Jamie Cullum
Make it a trio of pianos
And a big gay half dozen