Tim Minchin - Ten Foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins lyrics

If you're a religious person
You might wanna pop out
For about five minutes
This is a song about, um, anal sex and god
It's called 'Ten Foot Cock and
A Few Hundred Virgins'

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten foot cock and
A few hundred virgins?

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten foot cock and
A few hundred virgins?
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO?
And when the Lord comes down
In his shimmering chariot of salvation
You're gonna be the first to know? Oh

And so if


God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women
Then he also invented wanking
Then he said wanking was sinning
So I know if I'm feeling randy
I'm not allowed to hand-shandy
But having sex with my family?
That is just fucking great
It's all there in Ezekiel 8
And just before he opens his big pearly gate
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the date even if it's great
Even with your cowboy mate
Ba da ba da, ba da ba da
Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten foot cock and
A few hundred virgins?
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass?
And when the Lord comes down
With his shiny rod of judgment
He's gonna kick my heathen arse? Oh

So if you cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning
Because black is so slimming
Though it's not great for swimming
But it gives you an erection
With the increased sexual tension
What with the UV protection
That is second to none
You'll find it all in the Qu'ran
Just next to the bit that justifies guns
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the bum even if it's fun
Even with permission from your mum
Ba da ba da, ba da ba da
Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten foot cock and
A few hundred virgins?
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity?
And when the Lord comes down
And I haven't done my penance
He's gonna disembowel me? Oh

You say that if I stumbled on a watch
I'd assume it had a watchmaker
That a muffin presupposes a baker
So we must agree sooner or later
That this proves there's a creator
So if I put my foot in a stinker
You'd assume the existence of a sphincter
Thus you don't need to be a great thinker
To conclude that God's a bum
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which made him out to be so much fun
Until Adam succumbed to temptation
And then His only son got nailed to a gum
(Or the Middle Eastern equivalent)

Which suggests that God's omniscience
Is nullified by his ambivalence
Unless it turns out that he's impotent
And if God can't get a boner
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in his honour
Because we all know a steeple
Is just a subconscious
Compensatory manifestation
Of a huge stiff penis
And still he tells us that it's heinous
To stick a penis up your anus
Even if you're famous
Even if you're good at tennis
Ba da ba da, ba da ba da
Da da da da dadn dadn day day oh

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten foot cock and
A few hundred virgins?
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO?
And when the Lord comes down
With his big, stiff, slippery rod of judgment
I'm gonna be the first to go?
He's gonna send me down below?
He's gonna whip me like his ho?
D'ya really think so?

I'm gonna be the first to go