Tom Cardy - Perception Check lyrics

On the horizon of this forest path
You see a group of dark cloaked figures
Slowly trudging towards you
What do you do?
My half-orc barbarian braces her
Greathammer and- that's a one
Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
Well, I believe in anticipation
My rogue would try
And hide behind a tree- okay, I rolled a one
That's another critical fail. Tom
What does your human bard do?
Active Perception Check
...That's a natural 20
Let's fucking go

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
These muthafuckas mean to harm us
And they got to go
So come on, get 'em now!
You picked the wrong day to fuck around with my
Tight crew
There's no escaping it
I can perceive you
Here's what we're gonna do
Me and ma boys gonna mess you up

I rolled a one
I rolled a one

Fuck
My boys are otherwise engaged
So I'm gonna bring it all myself

Hey, I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit
So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter-
I cast Vicious Mockery, nat 20, let's go

You're a short muthafucka
And nobody likes you
SHORT!
Everybody says "Look how fucking short that guy is"
And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
When you were born, everybody thought that you were just a head
But then the doctor said
"Wait, this stupid muthafuckin' tiny short ass baby
Got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"

Your attack lands and absolutely shatters
The mind of the cloaked figure.
Perception check, please
Nat 20, let's go!
You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
It's always a kid
Specifically the child you've been looking
For for the last 15 days game time
And 5 days of our actual lives
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better
His body's just lying there, right? Right?
Yes...? Don't-

Loot that body
Gotta loot that body now
Loot that body!
Gotta loot that muthafucka!
Play my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
Bitch