Monty Python - Blackmail lyrics

Presenter Hello, good evening, and welcome to
'Blackmail'! And to start
Tonight's programme, we go to
Preston in Lancashire, and Mrs Betty Teal!
Cut to a slightly blurred black
And white photo of a
Housewife with her face blotted out
By a black oblong

Presenter Hello, Mrs Teal!
Cut back to presenter he picks
Up a letter and reads it

Presenter Now this is for?15 and
It's to stop us
Revealing the name of your lover in Bolton
Superimposed caption: '?15'
(which flashes on and off quickly)

Presenter So Mrs Tealif you
Send us?15 by return


Post, please, and your husband Trevor
And your lovely children, Diane
Janice and Juliet need never know the
Name of your lover in Bolton
Cut to a nude man
(except for a collar and a tie) at
Organ he plays a few stirring
Chords cut back to presenter

Presenter (as he speaks he holds up the various items)
And nowa lettera hotel registration bookand a
Series of photographswhich could add
Up to divorce premature retirement
And possible criminal proceedings
For a company director in
Bromsgrove he's a freemason
And prospective Tory MP that's
Mr S of Bromsgrove?3, 000
Superimposed caption: '?3000'
(which flashes on and off)

Presenter to stop us from
Revealing your name, the
Name of the three other people involved
The youth organization to which they belong
And the shop where you bought the equipment
Cut back to nude man at organ
With chords again cut to
Still of two pairs of naked
Feet and lower legs organ
Music over this cut back to presenter

Presenter We'll be showing you
More of that photograph
Later in the programmeunless we
Hear from Charles or
Michael and now it's time for
Our 'Stop the Film' spot!
Superimposed flashing caption: 'stop
The film'

Presenter The rules are very simple
We have taken a
Film which contains compromising
Scenes and unpleasant
Details, which could wreck a
Man's career but, the
Victim may phone me at any point
And stop the film but
Remember the money increases as the
Film goes on so
The longer you leave itthe more
You have to pay! So
Now, with the clock at?300 this
Week 'Stop the Film' visited Thames Ditton
The following film is shot in
Murky 8mm as the film
Progresses we have a? sign with
Numerals in one corner
Which increase shot of a
Residental street in Thames
Ditton (sic) another section of a street with a figure
In a Robin Hood hat and raincoat
- in the distance on
The far side of the road
So we can't really make him
Out cut to slightly closer shot
Of him about to cross
The road cut to suburban house
The man is standing at
The door pressing the bell
And looking round rather
Furtively again shot from some
Distance and over a
Hedge cut back to studio the
Presenter looking at a
Monitor and then at a phone back
To the film: a woman
Opens the door she wears a dressing gown over
Lingerie a shaky zoom in to
Reveal her clothing wide
Shot of the house with door
Shut jump cut to shot
Obviously taken from a window in
The house shaky zoom in on window we can see
In the windowboth the man
And woman enter the bedroom he
Goes out of shot
Taking his coat off cut back to studio

Presenter He's being very brave here
Cut back to the film: even
Closer perhaps of window a
Series of short jump cuts
She is undressing she
Throws off her dressing gown a
Jump and she's taking
Off her negligee underneath she
Wears black corsets
She produces a whip and seems
To be beckoning to the
Man phone rings cut back to
The studio the presenter picks up the phone
Presenter Hello, sir, hello, yes no sir, no
I'm sure you didn't no, it's all right, sir
We don't morally
Censure, we just want the moneyyes
And here's the address to send it to:

Voice Over (and CAPTION:)