Monty Python - String lyrics

Ahh, come in, come in, Mr simpson! Welcome to
Mousebat, Follicle, Goosecreature, Ampersand
Spong, Wapcaplet, Looseliver
Vendetta & Brang! (Thank you)
Do sit down, my name is Wapcaplet
Adrian Wapcaplet (How d'you do?)
Now, Mr simpson simpson, Simpson french
Is it? (No)
Ah now, i understand you want us to
Advertise your washing powder (String)
String, washing powder
What's the difference? We can sell anything
(Good

Well, I have this large quantity of string
A hundred and twenty-two
Thousand miles of it, to be
Exact, which I inherited
And I thought if I advertised it)
Of course! A national campaign
Useful stuff, string, no trouble there
(Ah, but there's a snag, you
See: Due to bad packing, the
Hundred and twenty-two thousand miles is
In three-inch lengths so
It's not very useful)
Well, that's our selling point!
Simpson's Individual Stringettes! (What?)
The now string! Ready cut, easy to
Handle, Simpson's Individual
Imperial Stringettes, just the right length!
(For what?) uh a million household uses!
(Such as?)
Umm tying up any small parcels, attaching
Notes to pigeon's legs, uh
Destroying household pests-
(Destroying household pests? How?)
Well, if they're bigger than a mouse, you can
Strangle them with it, and
If they're smaller
Then you flog 'em to death with it (Surely)
Destroy ninety-nine percent of
Known household
Pests with pre-sliced, rust-proof, easy-to
Handle, no-calorie Simpson's Individual
Imperial Stringettes
Free from artificial coloring
As used in hospitals! (Hospitals?)
Have you ever been to a hospital
Where they didn't have string?
(No, but it's only string)
Only string? It's everything!

It's- it's waterproof! (No, it isn't)
Alright, it's water-resistant, then!
(It isn't) alright, it's water absorbent!
It's Super-Absorbent
String absorb water today
With Simpson's Individual
Water-Absorbitech Stringettes!
Away with floods!
(You just said it was waterproof)
Away with the dull drudgery of work-a day
Tidal waves! Use Simpson's
Individual Flood Preventers! (You're mad)
Shut up! Shut up, shut up! Sex, sex, sex
Must get sex into it

Wait, I see a television commercial there's a
Nude woman in a bath holding
A bit of your string that's great
Great! But we need a
Doctor, gotta have a medical opinion there's
A nude woman in a bath
With a doctor that's too sexy put
An archbishop in there watching
That'll take the curse off it
Now, we need children and animals there's
Two kids admiring the string
And a dog admiring the archbishop
Who's blessing the string
Uhh international flavor's missing
Make the archbishop
Greek Orthodox! Why not Archbishop
Makarios? No, no, he's dead nevermind
We'll get his brother, it'll be cheaper
There's Archbishop Makarios' brother
And a doctor, in a bath, with a nude woman
Two kids and a dog- no