Monty Python - Bookshop lyrics

Good morning
(Good morning, sir can I help you?)

Uh, yes do you have a copy
Of 30 Days In The Samarkand
Desert With The Duchess of Kent
By A e j elliot, oBE?
(Uh, well, I don't know the book, sir)
Er, never mind
Never mind how about 101 Ways
To Start a Fight? (By?)
An Irish gentleman whose name eludes
Me for the moment
(Uhh, no, well we haven't got it in stock
Sir) ah, well, not to worry, not to worry

Can you help me with David Coperfield?
(Ah, yes, Dickens) no
(I beg your pardon?) no, Edmund Wells
(I think you'll find Charles
Dickens wrote David Copperfield, sir)


No, no -Dickens wrote David
Copperfield with two p's
This is David Coperfield with one p
By Edmund Wells
(David Coperfield with one p?)
Yes, I should have said
(Well, in that case, we don't have it)

Funny, you got a lot of books here-
(Yes, we do, but we don't have
David Coperfield with one p
By Edmund Wells) are you quite sure?
(Quite) not worth just looking?
(Definitely not)
How about Grate Expectations?
(Yes, well we have that)
That's G-R-A T-E Expectations
Also by Edmund Wells
(Yes, well, in that case, we don't have it
We don't have anything by Edmund Wells
Actually he's not very popular)

Not Knickerless Nickleby?
That's K-N-IC-K-E-R-L-E-S-S? (No)
Christmas Karol, with a K? (No)
How about A Sale Of Two Titties?
(Definitely not) sorry to trouble you
(Not at all) good morning (Good morning)

Oh! (Yes?) i wonder if you might have
A copy of Rarnaby Budge? (No, as I say
We're right out of Edmund Wells)
No, not Edmund Wells, Charles Dikkens
(Charles Dickens?) yes
(You mean Barnaby Rudge?)
No, Rarnaby Budge by Charles Dikkens
That's Dikkens with two k's
The well-known Dutch author
(No, we don't have Rarnaby Budge
By Charles Dikkens With
Two-K's The Well-Known-Dutch-Author
And perhaps, to save time
I should add we don't have Carnaby Fudge by
Darles Chickens or Farmbury Sludge
By Marles Pickens
Or even Stickwick Stapers by Farles
Wickens with four m's and
A silent q! Why don't you try W h smiths?)
I did they sent me here (Did they)

I wonder- (Oh, do go on, please)
I I wonder if you might have
The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Gladys
Stoatpamphlet And Her Intrepid
Spaniel Stig Amongst
The Giant Pygmies Of Beccles, volume eight
(No, we don't have that, funny
We got a lot of books here well, I mustn't
Keep you standing here, thank you)
Do- do- do you have-
(Well, we really haven't) -the-the-the-there
(No, we haven't sorry! It's one o'clock now
We're closing up for lunch i'm sorry to)
No, I s- I saw it over there! I saw it
(What?)

I saw it over there -Olsen's
Standard Book Of British Birds
(Olsen's Standard Book Of British Birds?)
Yes (O-L-S-E-N?) yes (B-IR-D-S?)
Yes (Yes, well, we do have that
As a matter of fact) the Expurgated Version?
(sorry, I didn't quite catch that)
The Expurgated version?
(The Expurgated Version of Olsen's Standard
Book Of British Birds?)
The one without the gannet
(The - one without the
Gannet?! They've all got
The gannet -it's a standard British bird
The gannet's in all the books)
Well, I don't like them they wet their nests
(Alright, I'll remove it! Any other
Birds you don't like?)
I don't like the robin (The robin? Right
The robin! There you are! Any others
You don't like? Any others?) the nuthatch
I can't buy that, it's torn!

I wonder of you have-
(Go on, ask me anything! We got
Lots of books here, you know
It's a book shop)
Uh, how about Biggles Combs His Hair?
(No, no, we don't have that one, funny)
The Gospel According To Charlie Drake?
(No, no, no, try me again) uh oh
I know! Ethel The Aardvark
Goes Quantity Surveying?
(No, no, n- what? What?)
Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying
(ethel The Aard- i've got it! I've seen it
Somewhere! Yes! Yes! Here we
Are! Ethel The Aardvark Goes Quantity
Surveying! There's your book!

Now buy it) i don't have enough money
(I'll take deposit) i don't have any money
(I'll take a check) i don't have a checkbook
(I'll take a blank one)
I haven't got a bank account!
(Right! I'll buy it for you! Here
You are! There's your change
There's some money for a taxi
On the way home, there's your book)
Wait! Wait! (Now, now, w)

Wait! (What!? What!? What!? What!? What?)
I can't read! (You can't read
Right! Sit down sit! Sit! Sit there!
Are you sitting comfortably? Right!

Ethel the Aardvark was hopping down the
River valley one happy afternoon)